Part 2
In the first part which you can read here we discussed what exactly is 'toxic masculinity'? Now in this second part we will talk about how to break the spell, and be free from the programming.
Uninstalling Toxic Masculinity
If we were using a command prompt it might look something like this:
cd toxicmasculinity
toxicmasculinity/uninstall.exe
init...
uninstall successful
On a windows or mac desktop we could just go to the settings and select from a list, or perhaps just drag the files into the recycle bin.
It's not quite like that though, if we use the computer metaphor then it's more like this program is hidden in the operating system its self, and it has some obscure registry settings that need to be tweaked. What I mean is that this kind of imprint exists on a deeper level and needs some deep work in order to purge it.
We are not using a keyboard and a computer for this one, we are using our bodies and our minds. Our physical vessel with both gross and subtle aspects is the hardware that runs the software. We need to focus our attention in these places in order to remove the program.
We need to understand that we are powerful creators
And modifying the programs of our life is definitely within our abilities. It's like this with any process or skill or habit, and we can look at different examples to give us an approximation of how it might work. How it works is up to you though, your individual style in dealing with stuck points, and how much purging you have already done and are willing to do.
If I use my own life as an example, another toxic thing I have let go of is drinking alcohol. At first I drank unquestioningly, and to excess. I believed in drinking, and it did give me some social success as well. At some point I started to doubt it, then at a later stage I actually became sickened by what I was doing to myself. Shortly after I reached the disgusted point, another point came where that loathing became a strong internal decision to not drink again. There may have been a few sips here and there past that point, but they were not enjoyed and only reinforced that decision.
So we can see that deprogramming is always a process. In truth it can be done in a short amount of time, or it can be done over a long time like with my drinking. The hard way tends to create a permanent result, because it also leaves an 'imprint' of it's own. The fast way can also be permanent as well, and it can put us in such an energized state that we would not want to compromise that amazing feeling for anything.
Because of how this universe works, each person will let go of these untrue things eventually, that is our natural tendency. If we leave it to outside forces it takes a long time though, perhaps even lifetimes. For me that's just not an option, and if we don't want to tolerate it, then we can decide to just do it now. It's a matter of whether or not you want to be free now, and whether you are happy living in a constricted energy band. Your inner fire powers the transformation process, how is your inner fire doing?
If you can make the decision internally very strongly then the process will be very fast, and you will be led in the right direction for your specific situation. The universe heavily endorses behavior that creates expansion and truth, and you will be matched for every step you take. Opportunities will present themselves. So let's trust and fully commit, and know that the actions and states of your life reverberate a great deal.
Context
Being in a loving environment with people who have deprogrammed themselves is a very good place to be. The funny thing is though, people who are more spacious inside themselves are less likely to want to hang out with people living out programs. It's a whole spectrum of gradation though, so it's more a matter of identifying those people in your life who are on to the game and then spending more time with them. Acknowledge the people who are going where you want to go, learn from them and quietly absorb by being around them.
If this isn't your experience so far, then you might have to be the first in your circles and relationships to take the lead and bring in a new way of relating. Cultivating loving relationships means paying a lot of attention to ourselves and to others, and seeing if how we are acting is actually our truth or just a habit. This takes a lot of effort at first, it's like learning how to do a new yoga move or flare your nostrils at will. The muscles don't know how to do it yet, but somehow through persistence they figure it out. It's absolutely miraculous, and it can happen.
Being aware of friends who support the old programs, be straight with them that it's not acceptable and that you have made a strong internal decision. This takes a huge amount of courage if you've been depending on people for approval. I commend anyone that has the power to do this, and go through all of those feelings of doubt and fear. Trust me that eventually you will be a much stronger human being, more radiant and full.
If your friends and colleagues don't accept your truth then moving on from those relationships might be your best option. Although strangely this is rarely the case. If we actually have the emotional fortitude to be honest about our feelings then other people will tend to respond more truthfully as well. They may also have an angry denial, that is none of your business though.
We are talking about using the power of context to instigate changes in ourselves, it's a back and forth between our outside environment and our internal environment. If you are super powerful then the outside context has to match you, but we're just starting our journey, so the other direction will be a stronger habit. The best thing about using context is that you can just relax into it and let it happen.
Psychological & Emotional Work
The essence of the toxic masculinity wound is being disconnected. So if we work with the emotional body to open it back up again, this can be incredibly effective at healing it. As human beings in the context of our twisted societies, we have been through many experiences that leave a mark. Not all of the emotions were able to be processed, as our families and societies (our ourselves) would not allow us to express and process these things. The disowned emotions then become stored in the body creating discomfort, neuroses, and illness.
If we open up the emotional channel powerfully enough, then that energetic current 'boots up again'. This simple act means that we are living authentically and really feeling our thoughts and actions. We will really be feeling other people and life its self. It's far less likely to act out of alignment in the connected state, because we get such a strong emotional feedback that it's not a right action.
The therapeutic process could be going to a psychologist to explore our past and our childhood. To fully let go of the past is a powerful thing. Setting up a safe space with a friend or a stranger to be honest about our pains can go a long way to healing us. We seldom find these opportunities in contemporary society, so seek them out and create them. It might be a bit scary and out of control at first when we first pop the cap off, if there is a lot to process that we haven't allowed ourselves to. Some imprints are long forgotten things.
Sadhana
My favorite approaches to clearing the emotions and energies of the body are the rituals and practices that do this on a fundamental physical level. Qi Gong, Tai Chi, Yoga, Breathing, Meditation are all things that have helped me to become clearer and let go of my programming. The great thing is that we aren't getting nit picky about the details of our blockages, we are instead focusing our attention into a still space or the practice its self.
Recently I did a holotropic breathing workshop which purged my body on a deep level. All I had to do was breathe strongly for a few hours. I felt a lot of grief push out of me through this process (you can read about it in this article), the result was a lot of joy and spaciousness.
In my personal experience, being a sensitive person I had a lot of intense experiences growing up. My programming was always telling me to repress and deny, and I was in internal conflict a lot of the time. No one ever told me it was OK to be continually overwhelmed by my emotions, and gradually I learned that it just wasn't OK. It's taken years in my case to undo that closing off to life. I'm confident that with the right approach it need not take as long for you.
Strong physical practices tend to purge emotions, just going for a jog will easily get the surface layer. We want to go deep though, so it might require a specific type of exercise to do it. Kundalini yoga is a system designed to work directly on the energy body through practices called 'kriyas'. Performing the kriyas will power up the energies in such a way that all blockages will be addressed and purified. There are many such systems given to us by the ancients, it's a matter of finding what is right for you.
It's ok to be sad, it's ok to cry. Emotions are a fundamental thing that this body does to correct its self, strangely we have this story about how 'weak' or foolish they are. Why can't we trust the bodies wisdom is doing what it needs to do? It's just like laughing really, it's just a different energy being expressed.
Detoxifying means opening up emotionally and dropping our masks of hardness and control. A real connection means learning to be vulnerable again. When life brings stressful situations that we can't navigate peacefully, and aren't guided through - then we learn to stifle our feelings as a defense mechanism. It's time to undo that blockage. This does mean that we are open to feeling pain again, but more importantly we are open to feeling amazing expansive feelings as well.
Being in an expanded and open state means that we are no longer 'toxic'. Our connection and our touch doesn't take away from life, instead it gives to it and it heals it.
Gratitudes to the many warriors out there, embodying the divine masculine in an empowering way.
Strength
Love
Abundance
