Our first week of Mutant Plant Zombie/Human Office Worker Integration (MPZHOWI) has been a resounding success, except for those who have been brutally killed and eaten alive.
No project can launch without a few bumps in the road. Hopefully week two will continue a smooth transition to Zombie/Human Coworking teams. To facilitate this process the wise and all knowing F: Drive has created a handy guide to help employees and management better synergize. The entire document can be found within the wise and all knowing F:Drive, but here are a few important gems.
§4.1 So Your Coworker Wants to Eat You
Remember we've all been hungry at work. It can be hard to concentrate when all you want is a Snickers bar or the still warm flesh of Tina from the mail room. If you find yourself with a hungry coworker offer them a snack. This means keeping chunks of flesh within reach at your desk. Try throwing them at your coworker if they appear to have an unearthly and inhuman hunger.
§6.5 Teamwork and Self-Sacrifice.
We can eat more brains together than we could ever eat alone.While working on a team it's important to remember to put the productivity of the group and the outcome of the project ahead of your own personal safety. You are replaceable. Life is short and miserable. Consider your martyrdom an integral part of project management.
§6.7 Sick Time and Paid Time Off
Your Zombie coworkers do not take Paid Time Off. If they do, no one has received any requests for any. Maybe they have asked, but we can't understand them through the hideous moans. As far as we know they are tireless automatons powered by ancient blood magic and the sun. We feel it's important that all our employees are treated the same, so we've decided to eliminate all Paid Time Off Benefits company wide. Of course this does not apply to Management at Level β or higher.
§9.3 Sexual Harassment
Go for the head.Mutant Plant Zombie or not it is inappropriate to sexually harass someone at work. Although your genitals have rotted away or been replaced by a spore-bearing member, you can still participate in workplace sexual harassment without intending to. Mutant Plant Zombies should avoid rubbing their spore-bearing member on humans and office equipment. Please don't make obscene remarks about the deliciousness of your co-workers flesh, and if you do decide to eat them, please avoid the breasts and genitals until they are dead.
§80.2 Office Etiquette.
Avoid gathering in large numbers. Take the stairs rather than an elevator. Never allow yourself to be alone in an enclosed space with a Zombie Coworker. Keep an eye on your exits and also what objects around the office you could use as an improvised weapon. Employees with Security Clearance ❥ are allowed to openly carry firearms. Killing your zombie coworkers is frowned upon and is only acceptable if your life and your productivity depends upon it.
§96.6 What About All These Plants?
The plants that cover the building and wriggle along the interior walls are sentient. They have feelings and desires (mostly for sunlight and human blood). Please don't touch any of the plants, certainly not the ones with thorns and visible mouth organs. Removal or destruction of plants is a fire-able offense. We will light you on fire and burn your body on the roof. If plants have invaded your personal cubicle, please contact Plant Operations and do not try to remove them yourself.
If you have any questions don't hesitate to contact me. Please read the full document on the wise and all knowing F:Drive and report to Mutant Plant Zombie Resources or Human Resources respectively.
Be safe, it's a literal jungle out there
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
From the Email Archives of the BlockCorp Industries Servers:
"I don't think anyone wants to cuddle a zombie." -Norman Reedus
Subject: Considering the Environment?
Subject: Class Q Plants and You
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