To forget the self, to understand Duhkha - my steps of the path of ...

It was September or August. In any case, the beginning of the second grade of high school. I was heading towards the post office, slightly nervous, looking out who's behind me from time to time, but... it turned out everything was fine and nobody was lurking on me. I received a thin letter. In the evening I opened it alone in the room and they appeared to my eyes - 8 tiny square blotters impregnated with lysergic acid dietylamide, commonly known as LSD.

I will not describe the whole experience because the entry is not about that, but let's get to the point: during the trip I started to wonder - who exactly am I? What is it like to be me? I had the impression that I had forgotten how it was to be me - it my skin, in my life. I shared this with my girlfriend who accompanied me during the trip. So she started asking me: Do you know what's your name? Where were you born? Who are your friends, your parents? How old are you? What do you like, what interests you? I knew the answers to all these questions, I answered them without any problems. Thus, this phenomenon was not an amnesia. Nevertheless, I had the impression that my identity was spreading. I asked the girl to write on a piece of paper that I wanted to write a poem entitled "To Forget the Self".

The next day I wrote a simple poem entitled "To Forget the Self" which was to convey a bit of what I experienced during the trip. Here's an English translation of the poem:

Who am I?
Am I?
I am.
Jakub Szwedo.
But what else?
Skin and bones!
But what else?
Mind and senses!
But what else?

I don't know.
I forgot my Self.

One or two weeks later a good friend called me. He had been practicing Zen Buddhism for about two years, but he didn't share much of it with me. Despite the fact that the world's religions and philosophy have fascinated me for a long time, Buddhism was just an exotic term for me and I didn't know much about it. In any case, he asked me if I would not be interested in going with him for the Buddhist meditation retreat to the Zen Center in Warsaw. I agreed and in order to prepare myself for this, he gave me a thin book for beginners and recommended me a 10-15 minutes practice a day for this week before the retreat. But I got really flabbergasted when I discovered the title of this book:

I considered this to be a miraculous, significant coincidence. It was even stronger, because the concluding "I don't know" is actually one of the most important expressions used in Zen Buddhism, describing a specific state of mind. Both this question and this answer often appear in Buddhist parables, here is an example:

The emperor, who was a devout Buddhist, invited a great Zen master to the Palace in order to ask him questions about Buddhism. "What is the highest truth of the holy Buddhist doctrine?" the emperor inquired.

"Vast emptiness... and not a trace of holiness," the master replied.

"If there is no holiness," the emperor said, "then who or what are you?"

"I do not know," the master replied.

This guy in long hair is me in 2010 during meditation retreat :)

So I spent three days meditating every day for several hours in different ways. The main type of meditation was sitting on the pillow and counting your breaths or asking yourself (as frankly as possible) the big question "Who are you?". Apart from that, singing sutras also took place along with bows, but as meditations we also treated meal time and housekeeping - basically it was all about meditating whenever you can. I had a personal talk with a Zen master who introduced me to Zen teachings so I learned what to do to practice myself at home. And so the question and the answer "Who are you? I don't know" was the center of my meditation for the next 1.5 years. Unfortunately, I later interrupted my practice for various reasons in order to return to it after a few months and that happened few times. Currently, I have been practicing again for about two months now.

A couple of words about Zen Buddhism itself. I will not describe the teachings much because I do not feel competent to do so and I could only create a false image of Zen Buddhism among the reader. However, I can present a few basic principles:

Zen Buddhism, like any other Buddhism, is based on the teachings of the Gautama Buddha who lived 2,500 years ago. The most important core of all teachings are the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path. To put it very briefly, the Four Noble Truth speak basically about the titular duhkha, which used to be translated as "suffering" or "harm", but this word also means the lack of constant satisfaction and the passing of all pleasurable experiences. It is therefore a universal truth about the fact that everything what's good is passing away, and at the same time there are also many inevitable sorrows in our lives. Quite pessimistic truth, regarding all these smiling Tibetan monks, wouldn't you say ;)? The Second Noble Truth says that the cause of suffering is craving, desires and lust for pleasure. It's not so much about the desires themselves, but about attachment or affection to them. The Third Noble Truth says that if we extinguish our desires, the suffering associated with it will disappear. The Fourth Noble Truth indicates how you achieve that, and it points to The Noble Eighfold Path as the solution. I won't interpret The Noble Eightfold Path, but here it is (more abut it np. herej):

Right View (understanding)

Right Resolve (intention)

Right Speech (words, language)

Right Conduct (action)

Right Livelihood (way of life)

Right Effort (endeavour)

Right Mindfulness (presence)

Right Meditation (focus, concentration)

So the Buddha's Way is precisely a quest for an authentic understanding of the Four Noble Truth and the Noble Eightfold Path. Thanks to these teachings, one can free oneself from desires and moreover, one can simply live a bit better, more moral and (paradoxically) more enjoyable life in the world :)

Buddhism has many schools that are very different from each other, some are more ritualised and "esoteric-religious", others are more philosophical and down-to-earth. Zen belongs to the latter kind. Zen emphasizes the importance of experiencing your life as fully as possible "here and now" (which in a slightly trimmed form is now sold in the west as "Mindfulness"). An important aspect is one's own experience, own practice, whereas the teachings and theory have secondary importance. There are not really dogmas here in which you have to believe, it is in some sense an "empirical" religion. And that is how I treat it myself - as a way to get to know myself, the world and people better, to experience life more fully. For me, Zen is more a philosophy of life than a religion.

I treat meditation as a kind of "gym" for the mind/spirit. If you regularly exercise at the gym, you can then lift a much heavier weight. In case of meditation - formal practice keeps your mind clean and clear every day. I don't even like the word "meditation" because it suggests something exotic and magical, but it is the most ordinary thing - just simply sitting on a pillow and keeping the mind busy with only one task (e.g. breathing counting). You do it even with eyes open (not to "cut off" from the world and... not fall asleep). Sometimes it is quite boring, and even more frequently it is really difficult - to sit alone with yourself only in silence for 30 minutes is a lot of effort, especially at the beginning:)

I wouldn't describe myself as a Buddhist because: 1) I never practiced it very strictly 2)"Buddha looked for partnership, not followers". However, for me it is certainly a clear moral path and a way to improve my life and the world around me. Ever since I stopped being a Christian, I have needed some kind of "path" and I probably found it.

I sketched out the topic very briefly. If will be any questions I will answer them as good as I can!