This morning I literally laughed myself wide awake. I received this text message from a friend and decided to share it with you. It is translated from Afrikaans so I will try my best here.
She wrote:
I just came back from my yearly torture shopping session. (Usually the most embarrassing too) When I was a child, costumes for "grown-up" ladies were specially designed for "grown-up" ladies.... with the correct support in the correct places. I mean..it was really more of an engineering wonder-design. It had to keep everything together in the right places. AND IT WORKED.
Women with "grown-up bodies" do not actually have a choice. They have to either go to the maternity department and stand in a queue to fit some flowery design suit so that they can also look like the hippopotamus from "Fantasia." or they have to hunt in between the "NORMAL" swimming costumes and see which pieces of elastic in bright neon colors do NOT fit them properly.
So there was nothing that I could do but to hunt....
I hunted down one costume that didn't look too bad and very unwillingly disappeared into the torture cage - also known as the changing room. What I noticed first about this costume was the incredible strength and pull of the stretch-material.
I think the Lycra used for swimming costumes was developed by NASA to launch little spaceships with a slingshot. One bonus IF you can worm yourself into the Lycra monstrosity, is that your internal organs are highly protected against a shark attack. Any shark stupid enough to try and attack you will most surely break his jawbone by the back pull action.
I wormed myself into the first costume, but when I put the shoulder-band over my shoulder I had the fright of my life. My bosoms were gone. Missing in action!
I finally found one under my left arm, and after searching a while found the other one stuck under my rib-cage.
This is because today's costumes do not have a build it bra. Grown-up women are supposed to spread their breasts in the costumes until it "looks right." The problem is that it doesn't stay right. So I arranged my bosom and looked in the mirror again. It fits. But only the parts that decided to stay inside fits. The rest of me were climbing out everywhere. I looked like a piece of clay forced into a small piece of cling-wrap.
While I stood there just looking at myself and all my extra pieces, the saleslady crept up to me and said"Oh there you all are!" "Yes, here we all are I said.
"Do you still have something to fit?"
I fitted a cream colored costume with lots of wrinkles. That made me look like a designer sellotape. A flowered two piece made me look like a oversized serviette ring!
The leopard printed one piece made me look like an over sized Tarzan that got out on the wrong side of the bed. The dainty black one made me look like a jellyfish in mourning......
And the pink one? You don't even want to imagine that. Finally I found one that fitted perfectly. A two-piece with a short pair of pants and polo-neck top.
It was cheap, comfortable and everything stayed inside. I bought it. When I arrived home I read the label.
" Material can be transparent in water"
Well screw that! I am going to wear this one. I just first have to learn how to swim like a fish on dry ground, because I am NOT going into the water!
Please go and check out these two accounts!
@intelliguy and @ladypenelope1
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