I have been writing a lot about mental health lately because I have been trying to push myself outside of my comfort zone on my “good days” and try to get back to feeling good on my “bad days.”
Today, I was out at lunch with a group of my girlfriends that I have known for quite a while and the topic of depression came up because one of the women has another friend that refuses to get out of bed and only leaves the house to go to counseling appointments.
This friend of hers had been described previously as the life of the party and the woman that everyone went to for a laugh or joke when they needed to feel more positive.
What Do You Need?
I have never felt more loved in my life than during this conversation because the woman with the friend that is struggling turned to me and asked me what I need to feel whole since I also struggle with depression.
It’s rare that people want to openly address mental health struggles, especially in a public place, and we were at Olive Garden at the time of this conversation. If you want the truth, I was a little taken aback by her question because I never expected it.
And she didn’t look at me, as others have done in the past, like she judged me for the depression or the fact that I talk openly about it.
What I Need?
What I told her that I need in order to feel loved is this:
• I need to feel loved: I need to feel that I am not being judged and that I am loved for who I am without anyone needing to change me.
• Don’t just “check on me”: I have seen a lot of Facebook posts about checking on your friends, which is admirable. But, its not what we need. I want to be around people that I can be vulnerable with and that are authentic in their care for me.
• Allow me to be vulnerable: It’s great that you want to be supportive by telling me that I’m strong and I’ll get through but that isn’t always what I need to hear. I need to know that its ok to be myself and to be vulnerable.
• I need to be part of the community: I need to feel like I belong somewhere as part of a community where they want me there for me and not just to pick my brain.
• I need to feel cherished: I need long lunches for problem solving (like this one) and to reach out to others that may need to be included too.
• I need deep friendship: I’m honestly so tired of surface level friendships that only talk about the weather, I want the friendships that talk about the deeper subjects in life like how to help others more effectively or how to create a new form of art or expression. There’s so much that can be discussed in life but it isn’t. And it should be!
What Can Be Done for Your Friend?
My advice to my friend was that she needs to listen to her friend and make her feel heard, no matter what she wants to talk about to feel better. Having a true friend in your corner is so important.
Next, I encouraged her to ask her friend to try to get outside for 5 minutes a day onto the front porch to try to get some sunlight because she’s likely Vitamin D deficient now.
She eats nothing but fast food burgers that her husband brings her because he doesn’t know how to cook and she stopped cooking years ago because she doesn’t want to. So, I suggested that real food might help her feel better, fast food is just never really a good feeling in your gut.
The doctor has her very medicated at the moment and I don’t think it’s the right combination of meds if she is still not getting out of bed or leaving the house. So, I suggested to have the doctor try another combination of medication, but carefully.
This was all based on my own experience but I would love to hear anyone else’s thoughts on how to help this woman because she has completely given up on life and is waiting to die. She is 81 years old but had been in almost perfect health before this bout of depression. And there is no family history of diagnosed depression.
Thanks for reading!
Ivy
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