"Wow - you're a real pro at that one-handed thing now!" my dear friend commented during yesterday's product photo shoot. I responded in some inane way about pain levels and hips being a perfect substitute for a second hand as most moms know, and thought the comment was a passing one. But his words revisited me early this morning before dawn, and I knew that my friend had chosen his words very carefully. He's like that. Economical in what he says. A guerrilla guru, who slips you a hard-hitting truth disguised as small talk while he makes you a superb coffee.
The Doctor's prognosis hadn't been great. "You may regain full use of your arm, in time", he had said. Like it was only a possibility, a maybe. "The fractures are basically healed but you have some serious soft tissue injury and nerve damage in your hand, arm and elbow joint. If pain levels are not dramatically better in two weeks, come back and I will refer you to a surgeon." Urgh! Not exactly what you want to hear from your last visit to the orthopedic specialist. He had been thorough to a fault, finding 3 more fractures in my hand and wrist after bone scans. As if the 3 fractures in my elbow weren't quite enough. What did I do to my arm? Compression fractures from locking my arm at the point of impact when my large-safe-truck slammed into the back of a fast-moving tourist mini-van which had failed to indicate and cut in front of me. Lucky I was only driving 40km an hour.
And so after the Doctor took the plaster off, he had told me "no weight bearing", "use the sling" and "keep it strapped and taped if it hurts". "Take the pain medication and the muscle relaxants."
I tossed the pain meds and the muscles relaxants after 2 days. I'm like that. A week ago I started an aggressive self-imposed physio regime, after being horrified at my inability to use my elbow at all. I have been splinting the arm at night, to try and straighten the elbow rather than sleeping in the foetal position with my arm defensively clawed up and protected. I have been holding light weights until my grip gives out. And trying to let the arm hang naturally, to let the force of gravity help to straighten the elbow joint and improve the blood flow to my hand. Using my fingers a little. Trying to flex my hand. Basically doing everything the Dr said not to do.
Have I made progress? Oh yes. HUGE progress. 7 weeks and my arm IS starting to work again, my elbow joint IS starting to straighten and I AM starting to be able to use my hand a little. Admittedly, I have dropped and broken my coffee pot, 4 drinking glasses, 3 plates and endless knives and forks as I have tried to make my hand move in ways which feel strange now. And yes, it hurts like hell. And so I have obediently & faithfully done the last thing the Dr said I should do, which is to tape it when it hurts. Which is most of the time. So it has been taped from about 10am to the moment I crawl into bed late, which is when I have then been splinting it.
I tried one day with no taping last week, thinking that moving it in tiny natural ways all day might actually be the best strategy to improve blood flow and help the nerves to heal faster. But someone dropped a heavy glass door in my face while I was out and I reflexively stuck my arm out and it hurt a lot. So I went back to the taping, as much to show OTHER people that I'm injured, as to prevent movement and pain.
Somehow, this morning, I heard myself thinking that maybe I should start taping my hand more as it was hurting. And then I heard my friend's words differently. I AM getting good at not using it. I AM getting practised at being one handed. I AM limiting the movement with the taping to manage the pain.
It's the polar opposite of what I think I am doing. And want to be doing. Which is quickly regaining normal and full use of my hand and arm. When it is taped and identifiably 'wounded' at least a dozen times a day people ask me what happened to my arm, and out comes the explanation and the story. Again. Reinforcing. Strengthening the injury mindset. I nurse my arm when I am near people so no one will bump my elbow. I've started protectively nursing it when I am alone too. And I am creating an unhelpful habit.
The psychology of injury is fascinating. What can be our greatest friend is also our greatest enemy. Our greatest strength is always our greatest weakness.
We prevent movement to limit pain, because pain should be avoided at all costs. And yet nerve pain won't heal without movement and blood flow. In fact, it will get worse. Wearing the taping everyday is like a mental meditation bell every time I look down to REMIND MYSELF that I am injured. And so I protectively bend my arm and nurse it and compound the muscle contraction and restrict the blood flow, which prolongs the healing process. What is fascinating to me is that I KNOW the bones are healed. I have seen it on the xrays. I KNOW that regaining full usage is possible with aggressive physio and skilled massage. I KNOW that gentle flexing, applying warm water and hot herbal compresses, using trigger point and lymphatic massage and hourly magnesium sprays WILL reduce the nerve pain. Heal it. But in order to do all of those things, I have to release the mindset of injury, stop taping it and publicly labeling myself as injured, allow as normal use as possible... and just handle occasional crockery failures.
The same frugal mindset that pulls you through a time of dramatic financial loss is the opposite of the mindset which creates wealth.
The same self-protective behaviour that saves you during a violent relationship breakdown becomes a block to new love and new relationship.
It's a dance, this life of ours. Leaning into risk. And feeling that precise moment when the energy has shifted. When necessary immobilization during the acute fracture phase becomes neurotic and limits the return to full health and movement.
Risk. Vulnerability. Opening. Softening. Relaxing. Ultimately, these are the things which foster growth, life, love, health and healing.
If you see me out and about, please hold the door :) and ask me about my new product line and not my arm. And help me to smile. And just grab a broom and a cloth if I drop my wineglass, without giving me that "Shouldn't you be resting it?" chat.
I am eternally fascinated by the Power of the Mind, and our role in creating both the crises, and the lessons, in our own lives. Humbled. Learning. Healing.
Did my friend intend to be my guru? haha... I'm not sure. But I know he's allergic to gurus. : ) It matters not. The teachers always arrive when the student is ready, even when they appear to be "just" passing the time of day and making a coffee.
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