Long ago in a galaxy far, far away, I was a staff member at a small democratic school in Asheville, NC. To be more specific, the school was based on the sudbury model. Many of you have read a number of my rambling rants about the state of education in the world today and the larger issue of children’s rights. For those who don’t know, Sudbury schools allow children the freedom to do what they will with their days and choose the best path to adulthood for themselves. They are given both the freedom to be and responsibility for their own lives and path. There’s a lot more to it than that, but that’s the gist of it.

When I was a staff member, I noticed quite a number of parents who were very interested in the freedom part for their kids but not so interested in the responsibility piece. It’s a natural parenting thing. We want to help them. We don’t want to watch them fall. We want to encourage every little interest they have. We want them to be happy. We want to protect them. We want them to be content all the time.

Responsible for their learning and their lives

I’m just gonna say it. That’s not helpful. If you come in to the rescue every time, they will not learn the incredibly useful skill of figuring stuff out. I’ll give you an example from my days as a staff member. The only time a staff member “teaches” a student is when the student comes and asks to be taught a certain thing. Parents get anxious about what their kids are doing all day at this school, and they start encouraging their children to ask to learn something or another. “Don’t you want to learn how to add and subtract? It would be so helpful.” When a child comes and asks to learn addition and subtraction, you know a parent is involved. Now let me clarify that when a child comes to ask you how to make correct change as they are buying and selling with other kids or how to figure out what ⅓ is because they’re trying to cook, that is a question from a child. So, a child asks to be taught addition and subtraction. I say yes and set up a time. The child does not show up because the child is not really interested and forgets all about it. Then the parent gets upset that I didn’t go hunt down said child and remind them.

That’s not how any of this works. When a child is motivated to learn something, they will show up on time, especially if you haven’t gone to hunt them down to encourage every slight interest. Even when the interest is their own, they need to be allowed to have some interests that are peripheral. We have to trust they will find things that really excite them, things they feel very passionate about. When they are excited about something, there is no possibility of stopping them and often they will hound you for more. We have to give them full responsibility for their own path if we want to see this happen.

Independent living skills, aka this is not Chez Solarsupermama

I’ll give you another example from home life. This is not a restaurant, and that is a firm rule in these parts. I encourage the kids to taste new things and see if they like them or not, but I don’t require it. I definitely never force anyone to eat anything they don’t like or don’t want. They are allowed to go to the fridge and eat whatever they choose, whenever they choose. However, I do not make dinner number 2 because kid number 3 doesn’t like x, y, and z. Starting at about 3, they are taught to make toast and sandwiches. There’s almost always fruit and veggies around. My six year old can make an egg and french toast. I only have to light the stove for him. He can also safely cut himself pieces of cheese. I don’t ever have to worry about my kids getting out in the world and not knowing how to care for themselves. We also share the chores of the house, and they learn how to do each of the things that needs to be done to keep a house running smoothly. I don’t reward them for chores. It’s just part of being family together. It’s part of being a responsible member of any community. We all have to clean up after ourselves and wear clean clothes and do our best to not live with rodents and insects.

Finding happiness

I have a dear friend who asks my kids every time he sees them, “Who’s responsible for your happiness?!” This is a tough one, but of course we are all responsible for our own happiness. I had another friend who would jump in every time her kids were sad or frustrated and try to distract them or play a game so they wouldn’t have to feel those emotions. Now, let me be clear, I’m not talking about having a child with depression. In those cases, we have to intervene at a point. However, generally speaking, it’s important to let kids feel their emotions and learn to move through them. They need to learn they are the only ones that can make them happy. No one can do that for you, and it isn’t about external circumstances. It’s about making a choice to be happy a majority of the time after you have moved through whatever else you were feeling. I believe rescuing children from their emotions is particularly dangerous.

Failure is your friend

Failure is handled poorly by most adults, so no wonder it’s handled poorly when children are involved. At Sudbury schools, all things are decided by the school meeting, which is composed of students and staff. Obviously students way outnumber staff. When I say all, I mean all. That includes staff hiring, rules, and the budget. So, certain things are included in the budget of the school. It varies from school to school, but usually some number of computers, some art supplies, some cooking tools, that kind of thing, is provided by the school. Other groups can form a corporation within the school and raise money, though. For example, my oldest boy started a video game corporation pretty much the same day our school started. They raised money to buy a tv to keep at the school and then brought in their own systems.

Another Sudbury school had a corporation that decided to hold a spaghetti dinner to raise money for whatever it was they needed. The staff agreed to send out a notice to the parents to let them know. As the day got closer, the kids hadn’t done anything to get ready for such a big production. The staff started to get concerned. How would it look if parents showed up and there was nothing there or it was hastily thrown together? Would that reflect poorly on the school? They couldn’t take it, and they jumped in to the rescue and ended up doing most of the work. They really regretted this course when it was all said and done.

Obviously those kids weren't this young. I just thought this was a funny picture to put here.

Why are we so terrified of failure? Not only would a hastily thrown together dinner not reflect poorly on the school or the staff, it wouldn’t even reflect poorly on the students. It would reflect that they are young and have little experience in pulling off such an event, and they would learn that it takes a good deal of planning and preparation. They would put in a little more effort a little earlier in the game next time. As it was they learned not much, but the staff did, and they committed to never jumping in to the rescue again. We simply have to let our children fail. No, I’m not suggesting you let them chase the ball into the street. That isn’t a failure worth risking. For the most part, though, letting them learn the natural consequences of their actions (or inaction) is so useful. It’s how we grow. It’s how we do better. It’s how we evolve. I can hardly watch when my husband plays video games with my son. He’s forever taking the controller and doing things for him, narrating the exact perfect way to get through this level while the poor kid just watches. He’s learning almost nothing, and it drives me nuts.

Let the bike fall. Let them sleep through the alarm. Let the homework not get turned in. Let them take the job you know they’ll hate. Let them buy the overpriced toy you know they’re not that interested in. Let them blow all their birthday money in 24 hours. It’s good. They learn. Let them get bored. Let them fail. Let them really thirst and strive for something. Give them the gift of confidence in their own abilities. Let them figure out what truly makes them happy. And for the love of all that’s holy, don’t martyr yourself. Let them eat a sandwich for dinner.

Because what they really need to learn is how to do “it” themselves. And “it” is life.

Much love, y’all!

As always, all pics are mine or pixabay unless otherwise noted.

Also, check out @tribesteemup for more information on how to follow the curation trail or delegate. This allows you to help yourself and empower a beautiful, positive community of world changers.