Quickly Alienbutt put two extra hot chilli kebabs in the microwave on fast reheat, drank a bottle of chilli sauce and washed that down with the rest of the bottle of whiskey to steady his nerves. Taking out the kebabs he wolfed them down, leaving the chilli sauce smeared and dripping from his chin. Poodles looked at him with disgust then started panting, his tongue sticking out. Piestoff grinned back and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth then licked his lips to remove the last of the sauce.
He looked at the view screen again and saw that the enemy cruiser filled the screen and the landing bay doors loomed ever closer. Downing a second bottle of whiskey as his nerves were still sending messages to his brain, he grabbed an AK5000 assault rifle then finally as he felt the ship clang onto the landing bay floor he released the safety catch on his butt-plugs just as he felt the first bubbles in his stomach. With the butt-plugs set to allow uninhibited gas escape from all four of his buttholes, he felt better; knowing the kebabs and chilli he had just eaten would work very quickly. Looking at the view screen a final time he saw armed men swarming all around his ship.
“Well Poodles, hold your breath and let’s get this party started.” With that he started to fart. As the air grew thicker he hit the button to open the door. Five armed guards ran to enter the ship, but all fell choking before they even got a foot on the ramp. Behind them others started to gag and fall back, then Piestoff ran down the ramp shooting blindly and screaming an unintelligible war cry. Poodles stood for a moment at the top of the ramp watching. When someone shot back at Piestoff, he growled and his hackles rose. With a giant leap he launched himself into the fray. Piestoff was sending out fresh fumes with every step and shooting at anything that moved. He had the waiting security team in disarray. Then the giant furball with razor sharp teeth and claws started to rip into them.
It was too much for those waiting; expecting the meek surrender of whoever was aboard the trading vessel, they now faced the strangest counterattack they had ever heard of. Those that were still conscious began to run for the doors, firing blindly behind them as they tried to escape, though none made it.
On the bridge the captain watched in growing disbelief as the toughest men in the outer systems were put to flight within seconds. His ship was crewed by the best of the rabble available in the outer systems alongside the cream of his people’s navy. Then he heard a gun cock behind him, a shot was fired and he spun around to see his chief security officer fly backwards and hit the wall before sliding down dead.
“OK trollface if owt ‘appens to Alienbutt or Poodles you’re dead meat. Debs, Stacey, you two take over flying this thing while Claire and me whack anyone who doesn’t support our mutiny here.” Killashandra walked over to the captain and smacked him in the face, catapulting him over the control desk. “We’re back to being independent pirates again, girls,” she said with a large grin as the rest of the Ladies’ Darts Team rushed to follow her orders.
Piestoff and Poodles worked their way up the ship. After they had got past a hastily built barricade just outside the landing bay resistance had been light, as most of the crew were hiding from the approaching poison gas cloud demon or already overcome by its fumes. They were walking down a corridor that led to what Alienbutt believed was the bridge, when suddenly Poodles, who lurched along in front of him, stopped and gave a little whimper, then went onto all fours with his tail wagging.
Piestoff paused and looked confused at his dog’s behaviour then peered ahead down the corridor, trying to see through the green mist.
“Oi fartarse, either stop yer fartin or seal up yer buttplugs. It bloody stinks like summat crawled up ya arse an died,” shouted a voice from up ahead. Poodles suddenly jumped up and loped forward, yapping excitedly.
“Claire? What are you doing on here?” asked Piestoff, even more confused. Ahead he heard Claire start to fuss a whining Poodles. How could the Ladies’ Darts Team be on board a cruiser right out here?
“Alienbutt, please seal your arses up before our gas masks fail,” pleaded Killashandra.
“OK, sorry.” Piestoff fumbled around under his kilt as he put the safety back on. He felt the air begin to move as the ship’s air conditioning was switched up to full to clear the air. Killashandra walked down the corridor spraying air freshener, still wearing a gas mask. She stopped before Piestoff, checked an atmosphere reader then removed the mask.
“Did ya miss us that much ya came out here to find us?” She gave him a big grin. “God you seriously stink, what you been eating, Alienbutt, and what the hell are you wearing? You look like you got dressed in the dark in a drag queen’s wardrobe.”
Piestoff looked at the officer uniform Killashandra was wearing.
Noticing his gaze, she smiled. “First officer Killashandra, very recently retired and probably facing charges for striking the captain and shooting the security chief officer.” She brushed imaginary dust from her shoulders.
“Always knew you would go far given half a chance. Never thought you would join the military though,” said Piestoff, shaking his head in amusement. With all the bizarre events in his life, he had learnt to just accept the odd and strange and then move on without thinking about it.
“Forced to serve more like, the lizard faces showed up about six months ago and soon had everyone out here press-ganged into service. But the pay’s crap so I thought it was time to resign my commission as an intelligence officer. When I saw you come aboard I saw our chance to get out of here. Also I know the Ick are coming and I don’t fancy being in a battle that big fighting for those trolls. We’re already in enough trouble with them.”
“I don’t suppose you would know their battle plans and fleet size, Killashandra?” Piestoff asked urgently.
Killashandra smiled sweetly. “Hacked their computers weeks ago. I know their battle plans, fleet deployment and what the boss had for lunch too. Your friends the Ick are flying into a trap. Someone big is behind these lizard faces and wants the Ick destroyed. There’s a massive fleet buildup going on, and a lot of space stations moved up yesterday. There’s a big force waiting for your friends, Alienbutt.”
“We need to talk about everything you know, but first I need a new ship fast. Wickede may already be moving as I’m late reporting in,” said Piestoff, a worried look on his face.
Killashandra looked back down the corridor as Claire walked down, with Poodles walking on all fours behind her. A calculating look came across her face and she smiled at Piestoff. “We’ve still got that Ick ship we nicked; it’s hidden about three systems from here. For the right price we can get you there.”
“What’s your price?” asked Piestoff, flashing a smile to Claire. She reached them and stood patting Poodles’ head as he sat grinning and wagging his tail.
“We’re your crew, and you square things with Wickede, and we get all that coffee and jewels in your ship to set the girls up in business in a nice system. Wickede is out here, and you’ve got his ear to make a deal for us.”
“Done,” said Piestoff. Claire smiled and grabbed him in a giant bear hug, lifting him off his feet. “Claire, please put me down, you're hurting me. Bugger, I think that was a rib.”
To be continued...
Thanks for reading, all images are mine.
