This is a weird title and a statement, right? How can somebody get depressed by getting a job offer? Isn't that just insane?Yes, in a way I agree but then again, I don't. This post will be a self-reflection of my current life situation and my thought process.
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My Current Situation
I graduated from University (I studied Ethical Hacking) in May and when that happened I decided to give away most of my stuff, keeping just few clothes, Ukulele, some books, some electronics and some fitness equipment. Very little compared to what most people own. I bought few sleeping items like a sleeping mat, quilt and a tarp, packed my life into one 60L rucksack with plenty of space to spare and started my homeless travel lifestyle. My only guidance was my heart. I just went where destiny would take me.
A fair question to ask would be:
Why?
I was searching for some answers. And to be honest, mainly I was searching for great people to connect with and someone to love. That's very cheesy but it's also one of the core reasons why I do many things. I try new things to meet new people, I go to events to meet new people, I travel to meet new people. Though the problem is sometimes my anxiety stops me completely from even engaging with them, or I fail to connect with them on a deeper level. Though maybe my expectations are too high in that regard. Maybe it's very rare to connect very quickly with someone. I'd be curious to hear your experience with that.
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Fast-forward few months and not finding many answers combined with unexpected hurdles like losing people I care about from my life as well as government syphoning my savings away every single month, I am where I am now.
I have no income stream, no job, no savings and not much money left for food (and another government payment due soon). On top of that I have no clear directions in life right now. I am not sure what exactly I want to do. Or at least I am not sure about the specifics and how to achieve that.
I am in a limbo with no clear direction.
Despite all that and however gloomy I described it I was actually content, and recently even happy as I finally met a person or two with whom I had a mutual connection, proper intellectual debates, etc.
And I missed this for a while in my life, especially after finishing Uni, and with that leaving everything and everyone behind.
Here comes the dilemma
As the title suggests I got a job offer. Luckily, at the point of writing I got just one though there are still some other doors open for Android Development.
I got an offer to be a penetration tester (a fancy name for a hacker) at a company some consider to be an Evil Corporation. (This to me is hilarious as it reminds me a lot of Mr. Robot, the TV Series I just finished watching so I wrote a small post about that, too Hacker S Perspective On Mr Robot 1984 Of Our World. )
This job is in a different city and country where I don't know anyone. That for me is not a big issue. I don't really know many people where I am right now either. It's just a bit painful to leave behind a newly established connections and not having the potential to grow them stronger. Then I also discovered some amazing opportunities in my current city to explore one of my passions, which is movement and such great opportunities are not present in that other place.
Though all that can be considered to be just minor issues.
The biggest dilemma comes from not knowing what I really want to do.
There are two pills that are presented to me right now which could help me survive next few months, and to get some experience and some money for investing - Mobile Development or Penetration Testing.
Penetration Testing
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What actually is penetration testing? In short, you are testing the security of something. It's basically trying to break into a system, network, app, etc. just as a hacker would do. You think like a hacker and you perform various things a hacker might do to see if what you are testing is resistent towards that. It's a real life test of security.
Well, not quite but it comes quite close.
So why would I want to do this?
It can be fun and mentally challenging at times. There can be enjoyment drawn from this. And I would also say my mind was made for problems like this and it's really good at it. I'm good at seeing the bigger picture, understanding how things work and thinking differently to try something unusual. And from my perspective this is very important for a hacker. I also studied this.
Tough it's not all glamor and sparkles. There are some boring parts as well.
Then there's the fact you are surrounded by negativity. You always see flaws in stuff. At the end of the day, your job is to break someone else's invention. And at least in UK, the industry makes people extremely cynical. On top of that, it's kind of expected of you that you devote your life to this and don't do anything else. They want you to be a full-on geek. For me that is a big problem. I don't want to do one thing all day. I like to have my balance, learn new things and experience life.
Android Development
I love mobile technology. And I love designing and creating something that might change someone's life, even if just on a small scale. Making and creating stuff is also a primal urge of all humans and with development you are satisfying that urge. And this is a big contrast to pen testing. Instead of breaking things, you make them.
But my experience and education in this are lacking. Therefore it's kind of hard to get the right opportunity for me. And when I get one, it would be probably painful and full of struggling trying to figure things out at the beginning. That is not a bad thing if you know you truly want to do something for big chunk of your life.
Final Thoughts
I don't know if or how long I'd want to do this? Maybe after I overcome certain point in both I'd be in the flow most of the time [For flow you need both appropriate skill and challenge] and it would become an immense fun most of the time. With pen testing I believe I might be close to that point. But maybe I just enjoy both of these as side projects, when I do it part-time. Like playing chess, or puzzle. I do it for mental stimulation and to solve a problem. But I don't want to play chess all day. And I also want to take breaks. I don't play chess all the time. But I tend to get back to it.
One of my biggest values is freedom and because of that neither might be a long-term candidate for me. Freedom for me means an ability to do whatever you want, be wherever you want and be with whoever you want (and do whatever you want with them - with mutual consent of course :D ).
I enjoy way too many things and I don't know if I want to pick just one.
So with all that in mind I believe the ideal solution for me is a part-time job, or contract work where I can pick how many hours I work and with who I work and on what I work.
Yep, that'd be perfect.
But I am not ready for that with my hard-skills. I need to get more experience and more knowledge. Maybe then I can branch out and do my own thing. Be my own boss of my time.
What I really want feels so far away and impossible to reach due to various factors so I need to find some middle steps that I can reach.
What will I do?
I will accept the offer (It'll be excruciating if on Monday I receive an offer for Android development from another company :D). I'll give it a go, there's a trail period where I can leave any time for any reason. I was also promised I can focus on mobile and Android and that my working time is flexible with a potential for few days of home office per month. And as another Steemian wrote in a post I Am Not My Job I Am Me --- by @getonthetrain
About the Author;
Hi, I am Joe and I love freedom.
Freedom of all sorts, social, financial, emotional, physical, freedom from your stuff or place.
My biggest passion is to show that it is possible to live life being free, work towards my freedom, and help others obtain their own versions of freedom.
I also love exploration and experimentation (of all senses).
My articles are about all of this (Freedom, exploration, experimentation)
as well as my own transparent and authentic experiences.