Greetings loyal followers.

It's the documentary about the Empire crushing the rebel scum day!

My executive assistant Vera, whose existence should be celebrated every day, just informed me that today is a special day on your planet. Apparently, some refer to this day as Star Wars day. It seems that one of your incredibly "clever" inhabitants discovered that when you say the date "May the fourth" it sounds like "May the Force". Sadly, the rest of the universe considers this discovery as one of the greatest accomplishments of your planet. But to be honest, with your primitive ways, there really isn't much else to brag about.

At least you have a day centered around the documentaries chronicling my pursuit and inevitable destruction of those scumbag rebels. Yeah I can't even pretend. Vera told me I should try to be "nice" on your special day... but that is simply pathetic.

Before I get into your gift, I would like to take this opportunity to explain something to all of you simpletons. I absolutely despise when someone says "May the Force be with you" to me. It is tantamount to someone walking up to you and saying "May the opposable thumbs be with you." It is like you are trying to give me permission to have The Force. It makes it seem like the Force could possibly not be with me. I realize your people are dumb, but come on. You have to understand that I am the Force's master and it does whatever I will it to.

By the way, about 3 seconds after this picture was taken... he stopped saying it.

I have 27,700 freaking midi-chlorians! You all know what that means. Wait. You don't know. It doesn't make sense to you? How is that possible? The great documentarian George Lucas clearly explained all of this to you. It is not like he would introduce something that makes no sense and then never bother to explain it. Never mind morons.

"May the Force be with you" is a statement meant for those wussy Light Side Jedis. They say it to each other like they are hoping and begging the Force to be with them. I don't play like that. I see the Force and I say, "Hey Force. You are going to be with me or I will slap the crap out of you." Do you know what the Force does? It be with me.

The only thing more pathetic is when a wannabe Jedi says it to himself. I nearly pee myself laughing when I hear one of those old pieces of garbage muttering "I am one with the Force and the Force is with me". Ummmm no it is not. If it were, you wouldn't have to mutter to yourself in order to prove it. Those wimps look like the fools on your planet who follow your greatest philosopher: Stuart Smalley.

No you're not. No you're not. No they don't.

For your own safety, stop saying "May the Force be with you" to me.

Now for the gift. Vera assures me that in addition to all of your other stupid, juvenile, primitive and silly traditions, you abide by the following saying: "It is better to give than to receive".

You primitives slay me!

That is the funniest thing I have ever heard! What idiots! You doofuses are such easy marks! Whoever convinced you of that is still laughing all the way to the bank. But as I said in my previous transmission... when in Rome.

I will respect your primitive customs.

As a gift to you, I will allow you to give me a gift.

What would you like to give me for Star Wars day?

Please leave your gift ideas in the comments below and I will have Vera contact you about how to deliver them to me.

May the Force be with you! (You non-Force having dimwits!)

Wait. Dennis?! Did that last part get transmitted?

Dennis!!!!!!!!!!

Pew
This will shut you up
Mindless Philosopher
I think I peed myself