This post is a follow-up on Part 1: Atraumatic avascular necrosis in the head of the talus bone of my left foot
Before that I wrote: Hello! My name is Rosanne and About travel plans and a shocking diagnosis in a hospital in Beijing
Part 2: No more travelling? A house? A job?
Not knowing makes me feel indecisive. How do you plan a future without a time path? The first weeks of being back in the Netherlands I was hoping for (and expecting) a clear treatment path and timeline in which I would get better. As you might remember, in China I had a doctor who told me he wanted to try to recover the talus by using bone from my hip combined with stem cells. Two weeks in a Chinese hospital and three to six months of revalidation. It didn’t sound like an easy path, but it was an actual plan, and now, with a doctor who just tells me ‘the bone could grow back in two or three years’ that plan starts to sound better and better to me.
Of course, one reason for feeling indecisive is I still haven’t fully accepted being back from my dream journey yet. I should be playing with my camera on beaches in the Philippines right now, after a month of travelling through gorgeous China. A journey of eight months has been in my head for over a year, with all the dreams and practicalities. This is not something you forget about in a few weeks. But I’ll have to accept my situation before I’m able to find a new job or assignment, settle in a house, think about stuff like salary and wallpaper again.
Until I reach that point, the same thoughts repeat in my head: If my foot gets better soon I want to travel again. Therefore, let’s not find a job or a house yet. If my foot doesn’t get better I need to get money and a house. Therefore, let’s find a job and a house. If my foot gets better, but only after a few months, will I regret having taken a job and spending money on a house? Because that’s time and money I wanted to spend on travelling. But well, maybe my foot gets better soon. Or wait, no, maybe it takes another three years…
So, how do I feel? Indecisive, stuck in a place I wanted to leave behind for quite a few months, insecure about how to plan the future.
To be continued: Part 3: Having a body, loving your body.
All pictures on steemit.com/@soyrosa are created and edited by me, Rosanne Dubbeld, 2001-2018. Contact me if you want to discuss licensing or collaborations on creative projects :-)