I wrote this post to partake in the 7 Day Self-Love Challenge hosted by @danielapevs , but I didn't read the instructions carefully so it probably doesn't qualify. Still, it was a nice exercise and since it's already written I'll just share it.
It seems that finding love within is being the main work for many seekers who are in the quest of understanding themselves, Love, and Life these days. The times of looking outwards for answers seems to be coming to an end, and it seems as if we are being forced into looking at the inner workings so that we might heal the wounds we have created as humanity.
Monday
So in what respects to my personal process, just monday I had my first "emotional integration" therapy. It was offered in a Facebook group by someone who wanted to help those who could not afford therapy (Spanish speakers can write to her at [email protected]) and I liked the fact that she wasn't charging so I went for it.
It was pretty simple and straightforward, yet incredibly powerful. We talked some about the things that brought up emotional pain within myself and then she guided me on a meditation that focused on these things. Her support was to keep me going back to those emotions so that I wouldn't stray into the infinite realms you might go with meditation. I had never tried to keep focus on the negative, and wow, it's not all that bad!
We tend to try and evade negativity. When it starts showing up we breathe deeper, we try to focus on what makes us feel safe. Doing the work of looking deeply at it, of inviting it to stay, has proven to be - at least for me - one of the most effective ways to start evolving to an inner awareness that feels healthy, empowered, and way less paranoid. I am very grateful to have stumbled upon this opportunity, I thank the Multiverse for presenting such a good guide to continue the process of healing.
Tuesday
On Tuesday I went deep into the emotional integration work on my own. As some of you know, I live in a shelter in the forest most of the time and this means that my time is entirely my own. That is good and bad at the same time. On the good side, it means I can do whatever I want and don't have to stress with schedules or deadlines. The bad side is that this allows my mind to stray into very depressive thoughts, feelings of loneliness, and the sense that no one needs me, that I am here as a sort of decoration of the place without serving any purpose.
Once again I was grateful for the emotional integration therapy, as I took these feelings and observed them with intent. I confess it was painful, a moment came when all I wanted was to die, to be please taken away from this consciousness. But it payed off. By nightfall, I was feeling as if I had this protective force inside me that felt tender, warm, understanding, and unstoppable. Love had finally shown up with it's nurturing qualities within me and I felt deeply loved once again.
Wednesday
As it usually happens, when you re-empower yourself ego thinks that it can take over this new confidence and control everything around it. I talked to someone towards whom I was having complicated feelings in hopes of being able to solve everything and it all went very sour. Despite this, I enjoyed the day, focused on this inner warmth gained by the emotional integration workout. I took the negative experience of the conversation as part of my therapy and integrated it as well, observed it as deeply as I could.
Another experience that marked the day was that I visited a friend who recently became a mother and held her child in my arms. I can't remember when was the last time I held a baby in my arms and it was a magical, humbling experience. I was so scared, but I gave courage to myself and little by little became more confident, till I was able to feel that power of protection within me. Things like this make me understand why my masculinity has been so fragile, as well as my empathy for the feminine aspects has been so weak. But the healing process is happening and moments like this one are proof of it.
Thursday
Yet another unpleasant conversation, with a twist in the plot which I can't reveal here because I was asked to keep it a secret, and I will respect that wish. Yet again: "I don't want to live this hell, please just take me away". A very low-sounding voice in my head saying: "integrate, integrate". I could barely hear it but it grew louder as my crying begin to stop. I sat once again with the pain and looked at it deeply until it no longer had control.
Later that day I decided to start having a kind of chakra activating routine that goes as follows:
Root Chakra: Physical exercise
Sacral Chakra: Tantric Self-Pleasure
Solar Plexus Chakra: Put ideas down on paper, songs or any form of tangible expression
Heart Chakra: Practice forgiveness
Throat Chakra: Communicate directly with someone or speak out loud my thoughts
Third Eye Chakra: Meditate
Crown Chakra: Pray
Hard as it is, I have to stop blaming others for any of my pains and start taking full responsibility. Making sure the different aspects of my well-being are covered is a good way to start I think.
Saturday
It wanted to be a lazy day but I didn't allow it. I got quite stressed over the things that have been weighing on my mind these days. Later my mother visited me at the forest shelter and I got even more stressed by her suggestions. However, her words rang several bells later on. She said that I was trapped in my ego, that I didn't want to take advice from people, and that I wanted to control everything. She also said I needed to rest, to allow myself a day in bed, and let Life be. I guess not much to tell in the matters of self-love, only that I wasn't able to practice it effectively on this day, but it's ok, I'm not a self-loving machine.
Sunday
I follow my mother's advice and take the day to stay in bed, just feeling myself and letting Life pass. A microdose of psylocibin mushrooms works as perfect medicine if you take the time to receive it's teachings. My emotions become soft and tender, I once again enjoy the simplicity of things. I treat myself kindly. I look directly into the pain when it arrives. I treat myself kindly again. After a while, I feel full of energy and without even noticing I end up doing a whole bunch of stuff I had been kicking off for later.
I think I might be getting the hang of this.
Stay blessed ya'll, till next time!