Welcome to my seemingly endless journey.
A trip that will take you to places I might have visited many moons ago.
It´s a tale that came back to me when I meditated on one of my past lives. A life I told you about in my unbelievable true story.
As promised in that story I will now share this story with you.
Chapter 100
During the days that follow, it turns out that the spark from that night ignited something. Dadrie teases his comrade about his absence-mindedness during work. Cabilah walks around the house singing, which keeps others from their work, but it´s clear to all that something has happened.
The nights at the fire bring more stories as if it´s time to cleanse ourselves from what we have been hiding for a very long time.
Dadrie talks about his unconscious hatred of the army he led and about his recently unleashed change. About the anger he felt but could not place for so many years and the freedom he now experiences. How he finally feels 'real' again. How, after years of Reiko, he is finally becoming Dadrie again.
Even I can't avoid exposing myself a little more. I expected that my friends already knew my fears, but why did I do that when I never talked about them?
Besides, it´s not about what they know, or assume. It is about what I share, about who I am.
That I dreaded leaving my safe little village and the leadership that was forced upon me. How I, even now. fear loving other people and I talked about my sister.
As it turns out Dadrie has had similar feelings all too often. He may have been less aware of them, but they were definitely there.
While in my eyes, he is a born leader, he himself doesn't understand why people follow him. He is insecure about everything, insecure because he wasn't the man he really is.
Becoming Dadrie makes him aware of the origin of the insecurity.
I have similar moments of clarity in which I realize that I don't have to accept anything for what it is.
That I can change everything.
No matter what I choose, the outcome is positive or negative depending on how I deal with the change that my choice brings about.
These nights might have taught us more about ourselves than our entire previous lives. It was cleansing maybe even healing as now we had friends who listened and sympathized with what we felt.
Only Numico did not join in the conversations, it seemed as if he was listening. But he hardly spoke. He meditated a lot, worked hard, and was often absent even when he was present. I had never seen the cheerful young man like that, his eyes were serious, his mouth slightly tense. If he wanted to tell me something he would, I knew him well enough for that. But what concerned him was something he could not or did not want to share yet. Despite my eternal curiosity, I gave the boy his space. I waited, resigned to the certainty that when the time came he would inform me.
The morning had started sunny, but by now thick clouds had completely absorbed its rays and the yellow-green landscape was covered with a dark gray blanket. There was something sad about it, something heavy. But despite that, everything went quite well. Financially we were on schedule, tonight Dadrie and Kreytu would return from the market and tomorrow we would rest.
While I am once again up to my knees in the cold water, I realize something. It must have taken months, but Numico's words finally fully sank in and allayed my fears.
My purpose is the purpose I create for myself. If I no longer believe in that goal, I may remove it. There is no failure, my life is a series of choices and if at a certain moment I choose something other than that, someone else may experience that as weak. But if I do that with the full conviction of my heart, that is the strongest choice.
Setting a goal takes courage, but letting go of a set goal and being able to stand up for it in all honesty takes at least as much courage.
I feel the last bits of fear sliding into the water and being carried away by the current. I feel liberated. Despite the cold, a warm glow fills my body.
When dusk arrives, I return to the house and take a warm bath. A bath is such a wonderful thing, how could I have lived without it? Washing myself with a bit of boiled water in the winter just does not compare. Afterward, I go downstairs. Numico sits in a chair in front of the fireplace, staring into the flames.
"You did it, didn't you?" he says, looking me in the eyes.
His eyes have an old-fashioned cheerful look, something I hadn't seen in a long time.
"Yes, and apparently you too," I respond. He looks back into the flames and nods.
"I'm sorry about the past time; I know I left you out, but I had to be sure. You're all too close. Something I really appreciate, but it can mess with my instincts."
"Your feelings and ideas influence mine. Sometimes I don't know if I feel something from myself or from one of you."
"You have all been going through a number of phases lately, which are accompanied by many feelings. Sometimes expressed, sometimes restrained. But I feel them. Your changes are setting other things in motion, things you are not aware of. There is a maelstrom emerging; we will leave sooner than expected. We will go far, but we are still a long way from there. One thing is for sure; we are ready now, the question is are they ready for us?"
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