The bad man is going to be the new president! We’re all gonna die! Think about the children!
The election was yesterday and the worst thing ever has happened! The other guy won! Now I have to tell everyone how bad he is and how scary everything will be. So I wrote this letter to my local newspaper.
Dear Mr. Evil President-Elect,
I can’t believe it! You won the election! I am so sad, angry, and scared right now that I could cry for days. Maybe even weeks or months. Or for the rest of my probably short life now that you’re going to be president!
I want you to know that YOU’RE A BAD MAN! You often speak ill of people who are not the same ethnicity as you. You talk about depriving some people of their rights. You promise to do things you can’t possibly believe you can accomplish. You tell lies about your past. You lie about your record. You lie about your political opponents. You pander to people of your own race and you use their fears to whip them into a frenzy. You even lie about Hillary Clinton!
I’m frightened! I don’t know if I can leave my house! Are you trying to start a race war? Why do you encourage people to be angry and afraid? Why do you always blame people of the opposite race for the misfortunes of your supporters? How can any intelligent person even vote for someone like you? What has happened to my country? What are YOU doing to my country? Everything was perfectly fine before you came along!
This is the worst day of my life! I don’t know if I should hide in a bunker or move to Canada! I think I might need to move. I don’t even recognize my country anymore. Everyone is so hateful! AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!
And are you trying to start World War 3? Do you even know how to negotiate with foreign leaders? What experience do you have? What have you done that makes you think you’d be even an average president? What are your political accomplishments? This isn’t a game! This is real life with real consequences!
I feel like I need to create a survival plan. I need to find a safe place to run. I don’t want to be persecuted by you or your administration! Your rhetoric scares me! You say words that I don’t like! I don’t feel like my family will be kept safe with you as president! Your fear-mongering is dangerous! You are inciting people to be confrontational and even violent! Are you ever going to stop that??
I am sad for my fellow citizens. I can’t believe what has just happened. I thought we were all smarter than this. Instead of seeing a respectable candidate win the election, we get YOU! We’re going to be the laughing stock of the world! My rights are going to disappear! My children won’t know what kindness is! They’ll never get to experience the American dream!
Nothing will ever be the same again! I have lost my innocence! I’m so frustrated and anxious! Why?? Why did you have to run for president?? How could any of this happen??
You’re a bad, bad man, Mr. Future President! What the HELL were my countrymen thinking? We’re all screwed now! Good job, fellow citizens! And thanks a lot, Mr. Super Bad President-Elect Man! YOU BIG JERK!
Literally Frightened to Death,
Super Good Living
November 5, 2008
Oops! That was my letter from a few years back. Sorry! Honest mistake!
SGL
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