Everyone has good and bad days, But for some it's far less predictable than others...
A Brief History on my own Depression
I was diagnosed with manic depression when I was 12 years old. While kids generally that age are out riding bicycles and hanging with their friends I spent a large portion of that time crippled by depression which I looking back on it now had no real reason to feel.
The first time I thought of suicide was around this time.. I remember having a fight with my mother over something trivial and ended up screaming at her that I'd rather be dead than feel these cascading emotions of anger, fear, sadness which had seemingly engulfed my young life.
And with that we were off to the shrink to go and figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
I ended up on Paxil. An antidepressant recently taken off the shelves due to it causing heart problems. While it did end up helping me a small amount in the end it did feel like I was feeling happiness falsely and ultimately I stopped taking it by my own decision after explaining to my parents and doctor that I didn't feel natural while on it. I felt drugged.
One thing that always stood out about myself even from a young age is that I felt I was different from the other kids. I couldn't put my finger on it why I was different. All I knew it that everyone seemed so much happier than I did a lot of the time and it wasn't until after I'd been diagnosed and started looking into what exactly it meant did everything start to become clearer.
It wasn't external sources that were making me feel so lowly about everything, even though that is what at the time I blamed these feelings on. My own brain chemistry likely from birth was responsible for these extreme lows I felt. But for a young child without previous knowledge of mental illness trying to fully comprehend this was difficult.
Nothing in my upbringing caused the pain I sometimes felt (and still do from time to time) and my parents were pretty damn good parents now that I'm older and can look back on it. The depression I felt was caused entirely by my own chemical imbalances.
Realizing what you are up Against
It's entirely natural for human beings to feel sadness and depression at times. I promise.
When I'm at my lowest sometimes it feels nearly impossible to remember the good feelings and things I've accomplished in my life no matter how recent. When you're in doom and gloom mode it can feel as if the entirety of your being is pointless and that even though you've managed to survive this long it's all been for nothing. It's incredibly difficult at times to shake the feelings that you'd rather be dead and feel nothing at all than have to deal with the pain an anguish that depression often comes with.. What's worse is that it may not be caused by anything at all. Sometimes you might just wake up and want to off yourself, It's just how it is..
The worst part about depression (for me atleast) is suffering in silence... I often do so simply not to burden others with my problems which ahave nothing to do with them. However it's not the right thing to do and often you'll find that if you talk to someone about how you are feeling it not only helps you feel better but also lets you understand that it maybe isn't worth it for you to be feeling as you are... After all, It's just a bit of a chemical imbalance most of the time. (at least in my case)
When you're feeling down, reach out to someone. If they can't help you feel a bit better than reach out to someone else. The world is full of people whom take great satisfaction in helping others through rough times. I'm one of those people. Regardless of how good or low I feel I'll always take time to try and help someone through their time of need.
It's not Always Going to be Doom and Gloom, It's a Cycle
"This too shall pass"
The origin of this saying is from the medieval Levent and serves as a timeless reminder that regardless of the trials and tribulations life brings us, they are only temporary, and we should look forwards to the time when these things no longer affect us as they do now.
As human being our lifespan is laughably short when compared to things such as stars, We're only here for a tiny, nearly undetectable amount of time when you look at it from the perspective of existence of everything. While you don't choose to be depressed one simple way to combat it without effort is to accept the depression and realize it is only temporary.
When you learn to accept the fact you will have times in your life where you're simply going to feel like crap and start embracing that they are merely part of an ebb and flow of happiness within yourself you learn to not harbour and get stuck in the depression. You are not defined by how you feel or act in the grand scheme of things simply by one high or low spell. You've got an entire lifetime to seek a balance between happiness and sadness that you find sustainable.
We often forget in our lows how bloody amazing the fact is that we've even been given life and awareness in the first place. Whether you're a religious person, a big bang believer or simply agnostic or atheist the very fact you're able to read this and have higher thought and awareness is either a miracle or an extremely freaky bit of chemistry.
You are made up of the same material our earth, the stars and the universe is created from. In essence you are merely the universe expressing itself...
-Paracelsus "Man is a microcosm, or a little world, because he is an extract from all the stars and planets of the whole firmament, from the earth and the elements; and so he is their quintessence"
Next time you're in a low spot, don't dwell on the feelings dragging you down. Don't even try to figure out why you are depressed if you don't want to. Remember that you're the best example of you that we have on this planet and that eventually if you let happiness back in it will manifest itself in your life. It's all part of the way we are. It's a matter of acceptance.
To my Fellow Bipolar Steemsters (and Everyone else)
The world would be a far less vibrant place without people like you and I. We are the dreamers, the artists and the visionaries that keep this world moving forward and evolving at a rapid pace. It's hard to maintain such vibrant output all the time and as such you'll have periods in your life where you struggle to stay positive, and that's ok.
Feel your lows, embrace them and look forward to the day you wake up on top of the world again. That day is coming sooner that you realize, Hang in there, we got this. :)
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