Last night, I had a complete and total utter meltdown.
It was just absolutely horrendous.
Yet SO needed.
It is when my whole being just breaks down and surrenders to all the shit that is happening, that is when true magical transformation happens.
And this is EXACTLY what happened last night.
The whole day I was feeling a little wobbly because I had to do quite a few things.
Meet up with two friends (okay, that’s not horrible), pick up a package, head to a shop to pay for something, get some groceries, author the @ocd post, make up the bed, put a load of washing in, do the wash-up and I wanted to get a new pair of trousers.
Plus the deep throbbing pain of my monthly bleed were not making it any better.
It was just UGH.
And it just seemed like a hell of a lot to do.
And I was just rushing all over the place.
And it was overwhelming me.
And I wasn’t going to get everything done and I knew it and it bothered me.
And I was stressed.
And I was emotional.
And I was feeling bloated and fat.
And I was feeling like I was neglecting not only myself but also my relationship.
And I was feeling utterly worthless.
It was just fucking horrible.
And the pressure kept building and building until my beloved showed his disappointment in me which made me just BREAK in half.
I just split open.
Surrendered to all the pain and hurt.
Just gave into it all.
Felt deeply into it.
And damn, how I ached inside.
How useless and worthless I felt.
The negative thoughts that popped up into my head were staggeringly depressive.
I didn’t know I housed such destructive thoughts and ideas towards myself.
It was epicly sad how much pain I was feeling.
And what does the man do that loves me with all of his heart?
He just holds me.
Cuddles me close to him so that I know I am loved and safe.
Which makes me cry even more of course.
He just holds space for me.
Completely.
So I can let go of anything that wants to come out.
And goodness me, it came out alright.
A torrential wave of sadness.
It was so sad yet so beautiful.
And so incredibly ‘on time’.
Because after the sad-storm passed over and the calm had sort of come back.
I could clearly see in which areas of my life a change has to happen.
Where am I not living my truth?
Where am I not being ultimately happy?
What is not serving me anymore?
The cloudy veil of fakeness and un-authenticness has been lifted and I can see it all now.
So crystal clear.
And now there is no choice anymore.
I cannot even hide it.
The intention for change has been made and there is no stopping that now.
How grateful I am to fully dive deep into the surrender of all my feelings.
They teach me so much.
And it reminds me.
I am my own greatest teacher.
I am my own Guru.
And as long as I stay true to whatever I am feeling, surrendering to it, honouring it, I know that I am on my path.
An honest, loving and real path.
Where authenticity and realness lie.
A path that acknowledges the duality of the world we live in and flows within it.
Fully enjoys it.
I am whole with all of who I am.
The good.
The bad.
The ugly.
The beautiful.
The weird.
The wonderful.
The neutral.
The exciting.
The whole damn fucking lot!
Here’s to surrender.
Here’s to being in the flow.
Here’s to pain.
Here’s to clarity.
Here’s to you for reading this.
Art by @katharsisdrill who'll get SBD for making art and putting it under the CC tag!
BIG love,
Ashley
My LoveProject is @humansofsteemit! Featuring the humans behind the Steemit usernames!