I said a few weeks back that I was going to set out on a journey. I was probably at the absolute lowest point of my life and felt like a failure on every level possible. I had already considered giving up at life multiple times over the last few months and I reinforced this feeling by isolating myself from the people I cared about and trying to lash out emotionally so that they wouldn't care or look for me when I was gone. Well it turns out my trip didn't take me very far and the escape I was looking for was quite different from what I imagined. I have a feeling this may be a long post but I have so much to cover and I won't name names or identify anyone, but I do have some people to apologize to and to thank for more reasons than they will ever know. The problem is I am very good at using truth to hurt people, and they all know that I don't lie any more. I used to be a compulsive liar, and when I got clean from narcotics over seven years ago, that was the first thing I decided I had to change. I wasn't going to lie to myself or anyone else anymore. The story I am about to get into should probably have trigger warnings for everything from suicidal tendencies to addiction to emotional and physical abuse. I really hope this helps at least one person even though it will probably never reach the people I am writing it for the most.
I want to start off by saying that of all the times I thought I knew what love or spirituality was, I had only the slightest idea before this journey. In August 2016, I lost all of my physical possessions in a flood, and honestly I don't care and didn't at the time. The thing I wanted and never really had was true love and I believed that I had found it. It turns out that I was wrong, but the search for it and the ability to care for someone else is what even led me to undertake this journey, so I should mention it. I have never had a "healthy relationship," not by anyone's standards. I have been in codependent relationships, abusive relationships, and as this story plays out even imaginary ones. I don't think any of that matters now, I don't like to dwell on the past, which is probably why it took me so long to figure out the problem I had never faced. I have always known that I had issues mentally when it came to social interactions or relationships, but I had finally met someone in the last few years that I believed beyond any doubt was my soulmate. Oddly enough in a way they were, which is the curious part of the story, seeing as how I told you the relationship wasn't real. It turn's out I was in a toxic codependent cycle with a covert narcissist, and if you don't know how they operate, they project your emotions or what emotions they think you want to see in them back onto you. Well I am not a naive person, but I had no real first hand experience with narcissistic behavior up until this point and I was completely blind to the fact that this amazing person was actually a made up entity. So how can I find my soulmate in a made up relationship, with a possibly unaware narcissist while at the lowest point of my life? Easy, I believed I was in love and would do anything for them.
We had been stuck in a cycle of hot and cold for at least 2 years if not more at this point. The flood hit and I didn't care, I finally had something I valued and it was unharmed. I was actually talking to them as the waters were rising via text or phone call and all I remember is I had no fear or concern that I was looking at some horrible odds for survival. I also remember after being rescued by boat, we could not establish cellular service for at least about two days. I was worried that they may be worried about me, but I had gotten the chance to talk to them before the flood peaked and at least they wouldn't be blindsided by my lack of communication. The day my phone hit service again, I had multiple missed calls and texts that sounded almost frantic and it hit me that this person felt the same. I decided at that moment that I was going to start working on improving myself and trying to heal my old issues, starting with my family. The whole situation was kind of screwed up at this point, and honestly my head was pretty far off in the clouds thinking about what the future could hold, and ironically I couldn't see the obvious offer the person was making to let me stay with them. I am very glad that I didn't now, and as much as I thought that was all I could have wanted at that point, it would have probably killed me and done them no good.
I would encourage everyone to find a way to feel whole on their own. The feeling of completeness that I was getting from my "friend" was merely the codependency, and as I would later be able to see, their own personality disorder trying to give me what I wanted. I didn't have a plan on how to go about what I was trying to do, I just knew I needed to fix myself so that I didn't mess everything up this time. I knew and still believe this person was brought into my life to help me become whole and I would give anything to return the favor, but more on that later. The issue it would turn out was not for me to fix my relationship with my family and I should have never expected that they would change. They were always toxic and abusive and I thought I had already addressed my past emotional issues with my parents. It turns out that I had missed something major and it explains so much about why all of my relationships have ended horribly. I never addressed all the sources of abuse from my childhood, I had always just blamed my aggressive alcoholic father for verbally abusing me and making me the way that I was. It turns out I had overlooked something even worse and was repeating the cycle in my own life.
I had put myself back through hell for four months straight, grasping at straws and trying to find reasons while my life fell apart around me. The love interest was almost non existent, probably because I couldn't be good supply at this point, I had pushed away all of my friends due to a codependent imaginary relationship that would never be defined, and well I blamed my family for my problems to begin with. I had a moment of clarity when I was trying to argue with the love interest and I started feeling those emotions that had been haunting me in every relationship I tried to be in. It was a deep mourning, depression filled, ache inducing rage. I started intentionally pushing for answers from the love interest who I knew would shut down on me, because at this point I couldn't see what issues they were facing, although I had always tried to dig a little at a time when I could. Of course the person went into silent treatment mode and started gas-lighting me. A term I would grow all to familiar with over the next month or so. Honestly I made some stupid decisions and I guess I got lucky that I have enough history with depression to know my own limits, but I came close to suicide multiple times over the next month exploring these emotions and searching for my core trauma. I had never accepted that my mother was emotionally abusive and often enabled my father's abuse through emotional manipulation. I honestly don't think I would have ever found it if I hadn't gotten into the ultimate blowout with the narcissist love interest to trigger it, but learning now about how narcissism works and affects the victim, the only hope to correct their issues is to basically due what I was doing and just dig in and ride out the negative emotions to the core.
It was one hell of a ride trying to find the center of all of my insecurities and doubts. It also explains why I am protective of women and often overlooked red flags that should have been overtly obvious. I want to make it clear that I don't and can't judge anyone for their way of life, and I still feel an overwhelming since of love for this obviously false love interest due to the fact that they were able to help me find my own sense of peace and well-being. I however didn't realize that I was about to break almost every rule of recovery and try to help them while still healing myself. My emotions were beyond bipolar and honestly I questioned my own sanity at multiple points. I was reaching out to friends I had been out of contact with for pretty much two to three years just to cling on to anyone or anything that would speak to me. Luckily I have always had very selective taste in friends, the one's that could put up with my shit and see the good in my heart and know that I have good intentions. So I drove them nuts in my manic state of spiritual awakening and reading back over some of the messages and things I wrote or said at the time, I probably would have had myself committed. I just remember that moment that it hit me, I remember it was just a flashback of red that overtook my vision of my mom standing at the sink crying and my dad yelling, I'm assuming at me or her about what a shit I was, and she kept looking at me to make sure I saw her crying. It dawned on me that this was her method of control and she used it through much of my life. It kept me from confronting my father many times and broke up fights the other times. I had to face the fact that I had been overlooking half of my trauma and that women were not helpless or innocent in abusive situations or relationships. Of course things started to click instantly.
I spent the next month trying to break through to the love interest and explain what I had figured out. The silent treatment was becoming overpowering and they were honestly acting like I had done something so horrible they would never speak to me again. It turns out I had, I had let them know just how much I loved them during the midst of all of this. Anyone that has ever been involved with a narc knows that you cannot love them, that is the ultimate betrayal, because they can't love themselves. I was getting gas-lighted by the one person I had trusted more than anyone and I had no idea. I started researching and trying to figure out what was going on, trying to explore the past three years for signs and even believing that I may have snapped and made it all up. I was so blindsided by this at the worst possible time, and I was trying frantically to reach out and tell them the good news. It hit me after a couple of days that they we're exhibiting behaviors associated with cluster B personality disorders and mainly sociopath and narcissistic behavior. Well it turns out you can do something worse than love a narc, you can rip of their mask and call them on it. I honestly don't know if the person was even fully aware of what their issues were or if they had accepted it. It really doesn't matter now because I can't change what I did. It also taught me that good intentions and kind words don't mean shit if they are interpreted poorly and that I need to slow down and let people discover things at their own pace in the future. I have learned so much on this "journey" that I thought was going to take me overseas. It took me somewhere deeper and more spectacular that I could have imagined. It took me back to being whole. Hopefully I can heal a few more fellow travelers of life and fix some mistakes. I know I owe a lot to a few people for helping me pull through and I may have triggered many issues within them. All I know is that I will be there to return the favor at any cost, because this feeling of finally being whole and not missing a piece of myself is the only gift I could give to another person that would ever repay the kindness I have been shown.