“Inside every woman, is a crazy girl. And we all know what I'm talking about. That part of you that is entangled with insecurities, fears, and absolute insanity! The art of femininity lies in the molding, pounding, and defeating of that crazy girl on a daily basis! Look at any woman, and you're looking at a woman fighting a daily battle, wielding her weapons in war, every day! I have said it before and I'll say it again: it is never easy being a woman! And if we could only pound that crazy, insecure girl out of ourselves, it would make such the difference!” ― C. JoyBell C
OPENING the BOX of FEAR and INSECURITY...
......
About a year ago, I stood up in front of approx. 50 people and had to speak about my business. It was without question, the most terrifying thing I had done since jumping off a rock into a black reservoir from about 15 metres up. Everybody had to speak and as murphy would have it, I somehow ended up being last…
you know, just for good measure and adequate time for my mind to build up completely ridiculous levels of fear and doubt within. Lol!
To be honest, I actually have absolutely NO recollection of what I spoke about! All I remember – was a big fat BLANK! The entire room went blank, the walls literally swallowed me and the rest was a complete blur! According to my friend who had accompanied me there, I spoke perfectly, but the reality for me, was that I was so completely consumed by fear and insecurity that I don’t remember any of it.
That right there – is a PRIME example of the power of emotion!
I must have literally operated on auto-pilot…
because I most certainly was NOT conscious in the moment!
That FEAR, that INSECURITY and SELF-DOUBT,
literally ROBBED me of what was an AWESOME experience!
Instead of enjoying what lay in front of me,
I was dissolved into nothing...
and so was my inner wish of being PRESENT!
Today, I did something that forced me to face that fear of public judgement yet again. I was invited to participate in a podcast interview about a week ago and whilst the “inner me” said YES… DO IT… all my doubts simultaneously jumped on board and said “No, you are going to mess it up. You will say the wrong things, inappropriate things, you will um and ah, you will FAIL!”
Normally, those fears and insecurities win, and I will put it off or postpone it until the initiator generally gets tired and moves on – but this time I had STERN little talking to with myself! Lol… (True story!) I said “LISTEN HERE WOMAN - IF YOU DON’T DO THIS NOW, YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET OVER THIS FEAR!”
And so, I did it! And as ridiculous as this may sound to others, I am SUPER proud of myself! Hehehe
Compliments of the host and his fantastically attentive engagement, he dissipated my fear within minutes and it really was an hour of fun engagement!
Irony of it all for me though, was that before life took hold of me like a set of nunchucks, swinging me from side to side, I actually used to be particularly good at public speaking and even won a few awards for it at school. Somehow, throughout my path – I lost that confidence. I lost the belief in my own ability to succeed. I lost faith in myself and most dauntingly, I have allowed the scrutinizing judgement of others to overcome me.
I have lived with this for MANY years, and let me tell you… it is NO fun! I am a pretty “outside the box” individual, so I have ALWAYS been judged! I was always different. I dressed differently, had weird tastes, went against the stream in most instances – I did things that didn’t just raise other peoples eyebrows but instead made them fall off completely, lol and most detrimental to me (in terms of being judged) was that I have ALWAYS spoken my mind… a little more than most would like!
Society is often cruel to individuals like me and as I got older, my outward voice lowered. I turned inward and lost all my confidence and uninhibited enthusiasm… well, ok – that isn’t true… I didn’t lose it – but I did pack it away into a box, and placed it on a shelf SO high in a little room that it became almost impossible to get it down again.
Today, I found a ladder to that box on the top shelf in the dark corner – and whilst I have not taken it down yet… I did manage to reach it, took a quick peek inside and you know what… I like what I saw! It felt GOOD! It felt TRUE!
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
