What drives a person to obsess?
What is it in human nature that turns so many of us into addicts of one form or another - whether to drugs, gambling, sex - or 'less harmful' outlets (such as the ones I've been all too familiar with) such as creative arts, education, personal development, or spiritual seeking?
I'd written a post, [Why I'm Kicking My Facebook Addiction & Putting A Fire Under My Ass To Get Rockin' & Rollin' On Steemit](https://steemit.com/steemit/@rok-sivante/why-im-kicking-my-facebook-addiction-putting-a-fire-under-my-ass-to-get), to which [@stellabella](https://steemit.com/@stellabelle) posed some good questions:
> "you sound like you're really on a quest. A real one that could change people. What is your primary drive? power? money? why learn stuff? I know my reasons, but what are yours?"
The answers to these questions are VERY personal. And answering them honestly in such a public forum as this requires a great degree of vulnerability, humility, and a certain comfort with discomfort.
Nonetheless, I'm about to let my walls down and share my answers. Why?
Because it's highly likely that they aren't unique to me.
This isn't so much my unique story as it is a mirror into archetypal patterns at play within each of us, to some degree or another. Some of my experiences might be slightly different than others', but the the lessons within them are fractal in nature - playing themselves out across multiple timelines in multiple lives amongst the intertwining threads of humanity's dramas, manifesting with slight variations for certain individuals - though at their core, the same.
Because it's possible that by putting my ego down to share such weaknesses may provide others here a reflection to see similar parts of themselves at work in their own addictions - and somehow be of benefit in generating greater clarity for several of us, that creates unforeseeable ripple effects doing someone some life-changing good down the line. Maybe, maybe not. But if there is the possibility of such good coming out of it, then fuck it - it's worth the risk of some initial discomfort.
That said, here we go...
For over a decade, I was **hooked** on *the quest.*
Knowledge, "Truth," infinite personal improvement, and information of every psychology, entrepreneurial, metaphysical, scientific, and philosophical shade. My appetite for it all was insatiable.
I couldn't - and didn't want to stop. Each new, interesting insight, perspective, and idea were like a hit of crack cocaine - fueling me to dive deeper and further into the search for answers.
But besides the high of the search itself, what *were* my primary drives and motivations in this search?
Truthfully, there were multiple...
There were the selfish:
I wanted the excess of money - for the world to be my playground with unlimited access to all the fancy, glamorous toys. And I (foolishly) believed that I could "have it all" if I were just able to "figure it out."
I wanted the ego-gratification of intellectual & spiritual superiority (all bollocks). I wanted the (illusory) sense of power that seemed to come from knowing more and being able to see answers where others only saw confusion.
And while it wasn't as high a priority (at least consciously), I wanted the worldly power and social influence I thought could be attained if I were only smart enough and knew enough (though there never was any "enough").
There were also the altruistic:
I wanted to make a difference in the world.
I saw an abundance of injustice, stupidity, irrationality, corruption, and chaos in the cultures, communities, and institutions of our world - and I saw deeply into many of the dynamics behind these disorders. Yet I felt I didn't know enough to make a difference.
I seemed to have access to more creative energy (tearing me apart due to mismanagement) that could ever be channeled into a single activity at a single time. I wanted to channel it into works of art and collaborative projects that would generate tremendous value in shifting the course of our globe from its destructive, chaotic ways to a new age of sustainability, harmony, and peace. (Though it was kind of impossible to be a leader of such change in the world when I hadn't been managing my own energy productively in my own life).
In part, I sensed the need to educate myself to develop the capacity to understand the dynamics behind human behavior and universal law before I could hope to step up as an informed leader and participate in bringing about such grander visions of changing the world. And in part, I knew I had to get my own house in order - unlearning cultural lies, reprogramming limiting & misleading beliefs, and generating clarity within myself through the removal of falsehoods and distorted perceptions - before I'd be in a position to truly serve others do the same.
While I cannot nor will not deny the great amount of ego I've given into over the years - those selfish drives for personal power & wealth having been strong motivating forces - it is these intentions of serving the collective evolution of mankind that have come more from the heart & soul, which might have been the most powerful of them all.
(Yet, I'd be a liar to underemphasize the persistent presence of the ego - and even its motivations in the altruistic approach - some sense of 'specialness' inseparable from the thought I could be smart enough or important enough to change the world. Though perhaps is such, the dualistic nature of man - incomplete without an ego and the paradoxes & contradictions of seemingly opposing drives.)
And then, of course,
There were those I didn't want to see, and aren't happy to admit:
I wanted control. To be able to make sense of the seemingly crazy world I lived in - and to exert my will upon it so as to suit my desires for comfort and certainty (despite the idea of such being pretty much completely delusional).
While parts of these other reasons and desires were genuine, as stated - in part, I sought to compensate for a deep sense of powerlessness, inadequacy, and insecurity.
For years, I felt at the mercy of waves of depression, anxiety, neurosis, and complex shades of endless inner conflicts - most of which I couldn't totally make sense of, let alone gain control over. But I intuitive knew these hellish states were not a sealed fate, that there was a way of healing the disorder and creating balance.
To my wiser half, it was the balance I sought - through expanding self-awareness and shining enough light into the darkness that it would be transformed. I knew long, hard study and work was involved - and committed myself to it.
Though to the lazier, more stubborn, immature, egotistical half - the prospect of balance and peace didn't seem so appealing. Sadistically, it thrived on the sense of chaos. Yet, it was happy to cooperate in a search for answers - as the outward focus on "figuring things out," especially for the larger purpose of "changing the world," provided an excellent distraction from having to really take complete, full, 100% responsibility for the ways in which I'd been perpetuating the continuous cycles of addictive madness.
And, there were the humbling:
Contrary to the allure of the promises of excitement in prospects of worldly success, financial freedom, being someone of importance, and contributing to positive global change in a variety of creative ways...
I simply craved peace within myself.
The chaos I saw in the outer world, I felt reflected in my inner world.
The realms of self-help and spirituality seemed to imply there were paths to a way of living without the outer chaos of the world impacting our emotional state - as well as hinting at the idea if we could only cultivate inner peace, it might inevitably follow on the outside.
Frankly, I was more interested in changing the world and my position in it than my response to it. But to break down the reasoning behind that - it was still a matter of thinking that if only I could gain enough knowledge - "knowledge equalling power," of course - to heighten my degree of mastery, I could eventually do enough with that knowledge that would somewhere down the line finally bring an end to my inner chaos.
All pretty twisted logic, looking at it now.
But then again, addiction's not always logical.
The Path Out...
Over the past couple years, the search has slowed down.
In part, I found what I was looking for - a leading-edge, under-the-radar body of knowledge far more advanced than anything else I'd come across, that managed to fill in the holes and connect the dots between all that proceeded it in my quest. And it's been practically applicable. And highly effective in working out the kinks in my system I'd been struggling with (as well being a profound catalyst for the others I've served and practiced in the community with it).
The transformation that has occurred since is an entirely other story, and one, much of which can't be put into words at this point. Regardless, the game has been changed. The addiction to the search has come to an end, and a new chapter of engagement has begun.
Looking back at my quest and the motivations, I'm not as proud as I used to be about it and them.
While the prospect of continued education seems reasonable - the addictive compulsions had pushed me to extremes that were far from healthy. I'd been highly intelligent in some ways, but completely fucking retarded in others.
In the quest for "truth," I stumbled deep into the conspiracy theory rabbit hole - only recently and thankfully exercising stronger skills in critical thinking & the discernment between evidence-based, verifiable facts and pie-in-the-sky bullshit paranoid theories, and discovering the dynamics of cognitive biases that had me fighting imaginary energies and pursing "truth" from sources that couldn't tell their ass from a hole in the ground. It's been ultimately humbling to admit to myself how far off-course I veered, wasting years subscribing to beliefs that in the end, just don't check out - all in the name of "searching for truth."
In my divergences into "spiritual" teachings and realms of woo-fuckery, my feet were planted firmly in the floor of fantastical rocket ships to the moon (restated: NOT on the ground - head way in the clouds), where a spiritual ego thrived in its ideological condescension. I may not have been outwardly assertive towards others about it, but I really had myself convinced I was better than most others based on the (delusionary) merit of my pursuits (though simultaneously suffered from an inferiority complex, feeling unable to fit into societal & cultural norms) - and those narcissistic visions of personal grandiose really hampered by ability to truly connect with others and practice any valid spiritual teachings.
I overemphasize some of these points for dramatic effect and may not have been as fully crazy as this makes it out to sound - or, maybe I was (and still I am, in ways).
In the clutches of addiction - regardless of the substance, activity, or emotion - it's impossible to see the extent of how gravely our actions have impacted both our own growth and impact on others.
While the whole experience has matured me in ways that never could have occurred through the pursuit of knowledge about personal development alone, I still do hold certain regrets, shame, and guilt over having passed up so many opportunities for genuine contribution to others while I was so obsessed about my own indefinite intellectual & spiritual expansion. But, life goes on. We stumble, we fall, we get back up, and hopefully, we get stronger and learn to be better people from it all.
While I may always have an addictive nature to some degree or another, a shift *has* occurred.
I will always have a passion for learning.
I will always have an ambitious side.
I will always value personal (and professional) improvement.
Though as I've grown wiser through my slowing down, new values have emerged.
I now place a higher priority on the application of knowledge rather than knowledge itself.
As my ego's been bashed down through the feedback life itself gives, I've been increasingly focused on service - on how all what I've learnt might be put into effect for the creation of value to benefit others.
And of course, in part, those were some of my strongest motivations the whole time.
While I sought to ease my own human suffering, I did desire to ease the unnecessary suffering of others. I figured that if I could figure it out for myself, I'd be able to help lead others who similarly sought answers from gurus, science, and philosophies that failed to meet their hopes. There's been a side of me - coexistent with the narcissist - that *has* desired to be of service in simplifying the complexities in the dynamics of addiction and the 'faults' of the human condition that generate so much frustration, depression, anxiety, and anger for millions of us.
But, I've also been learning that sometimes that more often than not, it's not our time and place to impose our ideals on others - that each of us has to walk our own path, go through our own forms of suffering, and develop the character and wisdom through them to find what works and what doesn't for each our own.
And I've been learning that this it's a fine balance - being of service in assisting others on their paths, while allowing each person the space to go through their own lessons as needed.
Perhaps it is the dualistic nature of this human dimension - the yin & the yang - that man cannot escape the perils of such heart-wrenching experiences as the confusions coming into a world seemingly mad, the search for purpose & meaning, the clutches of addictions that tempt us with promise of salvation from suffering, and the loss & re-creation of self.
Perhaps these are just some of the lessons we've incarnated here to experience.
I don't know.
Maybe none of us can ever know.
And perhaps we're infinitely better off coming to acceptance of that not-knowing, respecting the boundaries of our own knowledge & ignorance - trusting that Life knows what it's doing, and simply focusing on serving it and others in the moment, here & now...
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#addiction #psychology #selfhelp #personaldevelopment #philosophy #life