I sifted through 3 pages on Pixabay before settling on this photo. But what exactly makes this man so appealing?

Is it the cheekbones, the eyes, the dark hair? I think women like cheekbones, because it shows signs of health? I have no idea. I'm just basing this on my gut reaction when I found this image. My theory is that we base our ideas of attractiveness on the probability of the mate creating cute kids who will be successful in life. It's a hard-wired reaction in our brains. We want the best genes so that our kids can survive and compete in an optimal way. And when our children are thriving in society, we thrive too. I think it's all based on survival tactics.

I have been confused about relationships for as long as I can remember. I'm terrible at them and I think I've figured out why.

I'm often drawn to men who possess traits that I want to cultivate in myself. If I look at all my past relationships, the ones that really counted and that made my life exciting, it comes down to this:

I was a shy child and I always wanted to be bold, daring, adventurous and fearless. All my best friends had these traits, while I hung behind them, clinging to their strength.

My most passionate relationship I ever had was with an artist. A fantastically gorgeous painter who changed me forever. Looking back on that relationship, I wanted to be him. He was my muse, my guide into worlds that I didn't know existed. He also broke my heart in a quite vicious way.

Men for me have been just adventures, and to be honest, I have no idea how to have a normal adult relationship. I distinctly remember avoiding social things like telephones and eye contact. During college I carved out very specific routes to my classes just in order to avoid seeing a boy that I liked. It's like I always did the opposite of what my feelings wanted. I've always avoided feelings. This has not been working too well as an adult, and I'm trying to figure out what kind of man is good in a relationship. I have serious doubts about myself in this area, but I guess I'm not ready to die yet.

Part of the reason I couldn't bring myself to couple with any man is because I feel like I would be giving up, settling. I am driven by perfectionistic tendencies and this spills into all areas of my life. This does not mean that I think I'm better than anyone. On the contrary, I still harbor deep insecurities and also feel that I am not a good person.

When reflecting on what I would have to offer to someone else, my mind draws a blank. Maybe this is a symptom of introversion? The other huge problem I have socially these days, is that my mind is so focused on my own aspirations that I have forgotton about relationships altogether, except during certain special times. Maybe someday I will get healthy, and back to who I once was....but I'm not sure where that person went.

This is like spilling my guts on the blockchain forever. I need to grow and start having experiences again. It seems that these days, everything just happens inside my mind and I suppose I have reached a certain contentment with that. But also something is nagging me to grow up.

What traits do you find appealing in men and for those of you who have relationships, what is required of you?

ps- this is more like a diary entry with a clickbait photo. That man is hot for sure.