I'd like to start this piece by stating that I've always been a a huge advocate of relationships between people of different ages. I really believe in the saying 'age is just a number', because it is true, judging from the people I've met throughout my life. So, no hate here for such relationships.
But, I've found a few weird things in this (it's a subject that has always interested me and I've spent a good deal of time thinking about it). The other week, I met some friends of a friend – a quite attractive young man dating a much older woman. And at some point, I found myself staring at them quite rudely, because I was surprised by the age difference.
And my mind was going – dude, how can you of all people be surprised?. See, for a long time I was that person, I've gotten countless rude stares in my life, precisely for dating somebody much older, and I never thought I'd be the one to stare at such a couple. But I was. And I realized that we tend to differentiate.
Between older men dating younger women, which somehow seems acceptable. And older women dating younger men, which somehow does not. There tends to be far more outrage when the latter happens.
'She should know better, he's just a kid, what can you expect' – I literally just heard that a few days ago, someone talking about yet another such couple. We always find reasons to be outraged at the older woman, far more than we are at the older man in the same scenario.
And there are a few reasons for this.
1. She could be his mother!
This is usually said in a hushed, very judgmental voice. Always, my answer to the male equivalent of this has been 'but he's not.', which really sums it up, for me. But there's a difference, because for one, a woman's maternal side is generally far more developed than a man's paternal side. Throughout history, women have been the traditional nurturers and carers, responsible for others. We tend to assume that a woman is kinder, knows better, is less likely to cause harm or act selfishly.
When a young girl (or boy, for that matter) finds herself in danger, she's more likely to go to a woman for help, or at least a couple, because she assumes the woman's maternal instinct will kick in and take care of the youth.
Same with relationships, we assume that the older woman's maternal instinct is bound to show up and push her to care for the young man, which seems terribly gross to us, by-standers.
Not so with a man. Men are deemed less responsible for their own children, not to mention someone else's.
The concept that 'he could be her father' carries less weight, because he could really be anyone's father. In theory, men are less involved in the whole child-bearing process than women. Duh. That is not to say there aren't loving, involved fathers out there. Not at all.
Just that a man's job in producing a child is far...smaller than a woman's, who is bound to the baby throughout. So, in theory, the man could be anyone's father, while the woman could not be anyone's mother.
Besides, we assume that when an older man is approached by a young woman, his predatory instinct will be the one to kick in, rather than his paternal one. Trust me, as someone who has wondered the world as a naive young girl, the idea of the kindly older man who takes you in as his own, without any sexual interest, is a myth.
Perhaps he exists somewhere, but he's a rarity, rather than the norm.
2. Men mature slower
This could be an appendix to the last point, really. As everyone knows, most men mature slower than women. Of course, this varies from person to person, but in general, by the time they hit their 20s, most women are quite responsible and have the emotional and intellectual capacity for motherhood and a committed relationship, while men in their 20s do not. From all the 30 year old men I've met, I haven't found one with the same emotional maturity I've seen in women. Men at that age tend to still view themselves as empowered little boys, who are still quite confused about their lives, are still struggling to “grow up” and would prefer playing and partying to a committed, but duller family life.
Again, there are exceptions, but on the whole, men tend to grow up slower than women. Which is why we tend to view it as taking advantage when an older, clearly more mature woman begins dating a 20 year old man. On many levels, he's just a kid at that age.
Not quite the same when older men date younger women. A man is generally deemed to be mature in his mid-late thirties,or even in his forties. So, the pairing between a twenty year old girl and a forty year old man seems less odd, because the girl has the maturity to deal with the older man, while the younger man is less likely to have the maturity required to deal with an older woman.
3. Biology.
This is perhaps the best reason, although it comes down to us from times long gone. Biologically speaking, a woman in her twenties is ripe for implantation. Many doctors seem to agree that your twenties are the best age to have a baby and it stands to reason. After all, a twenty year old body would recover from pregnancy far easier than a forty year old body would.
So, the woman's chances of having a baby are optimal in her youth, while the man (although he may suffer problems himself) can have a baby later in life, if he so wishes. The Internet is abound with stories of older men having kids with younger women. Ronnie Wood is the example that comes to mind, for some reason, although a much more famous example would be his bandmate, Mick Jagger, whose appetite is known far-and-wide across the globe. He became a father again only 2 years ago, at the age of 72.
Now, you don't hear many stories of women at 72 becoming mothers, do you?
We are no longer at the point in time where the reproduction of the species is a grave concern. We live in an over-populated world as it is, but that fear has remained, somewhere in the collective subconscious, that need to see babies, to ensure that the species carries on. So, when we look at a man dating a much younger woman, we're not quite so bothered, because they can have children, if they wish to, they can carry on the species, if needs be.
While an older woman dating a younger man has it much tougher. A woman's chance to have a baby at 50 is much smaller than when she was 20, obviously.
Only 5% a month, now that's pretty slim. And this woman, with little chance of procreating is hogging up some young man's viable sperm. I'm sorry, I know it sounds crude, but it's an underlying truth. It's how we thought for a very long time. And you can't expect that to just go away, no matter how mean it sounds. So, it looks wrong, because in his late twenties or early thirties, the man in question might be looking down to settle down and start a family, but if he can't have that family with this older woman, then that chance is wasted.
4. We're different.
Men and women are always gonna be different. For one thing, the way we age. Arguably, a woman becomes less attractive as she ages, her body sags, she gets wrinkles,her metabolism slows down and she puts on weight etc. There are MILFs, sure, but there are also a lot of women who aren't like that, sadly (is it?). And the truth is not a lot of young men are turning their heads after a fat housewife in her late forties.
Whereas, a man becomes sexier with age. They become silver foxes and all that and there are a great many reasons why older men are considered attractive by young women, both physically and mentally. I won't get into all that, but it's usually easier to see why a younger woman is dating an older man than vice-versa.
Besides, women are harsher judges, especially of appearance, and especially of themselves. We put more importance in the way we look, so the world does also. A woman should be deemed fetching, attractive, sexy. Have a toned physique, styled hair, her nails done etc. Whereas, with men, we don't really care if they have a little tummy or what. It's unfair, but it's the way we view the world.
I am not looking to get into some big political debate here, because I really am not one of those people criticizing either of these couples. But draw a comparison between the two – Brigitte Macron has been admired throughout the world for her enviable physique and good looks and with good reason. And people have seen it as only natural that she look this good. After all, she's dating a man 25 years her junior, she needs to look good to keep him interested.
And then, take Donald Trump, famously married to Melania, a beautiful woman 24 years his junior. Sure, he's got the title of President and the big fortune going for him, so he doesn't need to worry, but the fact remains that he is not a looker, by any standards.
And that, in a way, sums up the issue, if you take away the titles and the money (which of course, carry a great deal of weight too).
Again, I'm not against either. I have nothing against older women dating younger men or vice-versa., it'd be mighty weird if I did. But I've noticed a general antipathy towards the older women version, one that is not present when it's older men with younger women and I've sough to explain it as best I can, because I truly find the way things are fascinating.
And I hope I've managed to do that.
