So, last month I uploaded a post called Let The Flow Run The Show.

@jaynie, from Power House Creatives (@steemitbloggers) dropped a nice comment and she also asked for my support in the upcoming poll for theycallmedan's 20k delegation for a year as I had voted for them in the first poll.

I responded saying I had already voted elsewhere this time round, but that I would delegate a small amount to Steemitbloggers. I guess the gesture contained some energy of compensating for not voting. I wished them well anyhow and the exchange was pleasant.

I imagine Jaynie must've then gone on to the SB/PHC Discord server and said something, for I got a flood of positive comments from members of SB, including from Jaynie, thanking me for the delegation and encouraging me to consider joining Steemitbloggers/PowerHouseCreatives.

I thanked everyone (graciously I hope) and said I would seriously consider it. I did seriously consider it! I read up on Steemitbloggers and the application process and looked at some posts by other members of SB/PHC. I decided that while SB looks active and lively and great prospect for a good many folk - with many posts of quality, for me, the stoner-do-as-you-please kinda guy, it simply seemed like too much hard work.

I have issues with such things as discipline and obligation, not to mention 'groups' (as I pointed out in my resonse to Jaynie's invitation) - just personal/historical shit (school, sense of alienation, negative experiences with 'group dynamics', horror of 'have to dos' with lists already miles high ;), right! - and I guess I get twanged a little when I hear:

We work hard, we play hard - we support one another through thick and thin, we know whats going on in our "3D" lives and no matter what it is - we are there for each other! Yes, there are daily responsibilities and obligations. Yes, there are things that fly within our walls and things that definitely don’t. Yes, we require quite a bit from you as an individual but you get it tenfold in return and ANY ONE of our members will gladly testify to this.

As I said, would look great for some and I am sure it is. I have spent a large part of my life going against my inner self in order to please or get some kind of psychological stroking. Payoff just doesn't work for me; I have little drive, no ambition as such. To many perceptions I am a कामचोर ('kamchor') or 'work thief' but I'm cool with that. I totally respect my inner little self and what he does and does not feel like doing. I like to get stoned, I write when and what I feel like expressing. Until I feel a post's sense of completion, it doesn't go out. Schedules are heavy feelings in my gut.

I just wouldn't be a fit at the most basic level of structure and governing rules, regardless of the quality of anything I may write.

In the post about the SB application process (linked above), I saw two hyper-linked options before me:

The 'I want to apply link' opens up the SB discord server and dialogue with the team. I clicked the 'HELL NO - WAY TOO MUCH HARD WORK' link. Frankly, this is exactly what I had been thinking all along 😂, and when I clicked the link I found myself facing an image that said 'fuck average you can have that shit'. "Err, alright", I thought, slightly taken aback, I'm being called average for not wanting to 'work hard', no problemo, I can live with that. I don't really recognise this logic anyway :).

I commented back:

....(paraphrasing) saying thank you kindly but no thanks, I'm a stoner and don't like being told what to do by anyone, no matter what the gain/benefit may be. Also, being told that I have to do stuff is a sure motivation to inner rebellion :). This was the underlying feeling behind the comment (below).

The misunderstanding:

In the image above you will see that in the sentence "This may put me in the category of mediocrity from certain standpoints, but that is not an issue for me :)", the word mediocrity is an active link. It had been my intention to link to the 'fuck average' image (shown above). However, the link that I copied over was the link to Jaynie's post and not the actual URL of the image itself - the image appeared to me as a popup in the blog and not in its own window and, at the time, I did not register the implication of this. I did not verify the link before or after posting - this is the focal point of my responsibility in the misunderstanding that I am describing here. Anyone reading my words who also clicked on the word 'mediocrity' would have found themselves on the SB application page, and likely with the clear impression that I was applying the concept of 'mediocrity' to Steemitbloggers or else to the idea of Barge joining SB, or both. Negative, judgemental and unnecessarily aggressive, given the - as I myself state - overwhelming comments of support given to me by SB (in return for what I thought was a small gesture of delegating a bit of Steem)!

I imagine that this must've felt bad. I think artists, authors and bloggers are sensitive folk in general (introverts?). I would feel the jolt if I were in SB collective boots!

I only realised this a couple of days ago when I revisited the page during a conversation with a friend and discovered that the link on the word 'mediocrity' went to Jaynie's blogpost and not to the image that I had intended it to. I had been a little bit surprised not to receive a reply to my comment, at least an acknowledgment. I had thought Ok, maybe my comment was taken as rejection even though I had tried to soften it and explain my POV, whatever. Upon noticing the 'missing link', I now understood that there must've been a sense of slight or insult, perhaps a response of anger even at the unnecessary attack from me. This 'attack' was entirely unintended, as should now be clear from the correct link having been applied and what I have expressed in this post.

A slightly blunter paraphrasing of "This may put me in the category of mediocrity from certain standpoints, but that is not an issue for me :)" would be something like: "Not wanting to be a part of SB may make me look average/mediocre from your point of view, but I don't really care coz we have different approaches to blogging". It is true that something leaked out and wished to make a point about this image. I guess, tbh, I did initially find it borderline offensive, but I can also see it as an assertive statement representing a different mindset and approach to this business of Blockchain Life and not directed at (offensive to) anyone in particular (especially not to sensitive potheads ;-).

This post is my creative mop up operation. There is the outside (cynical? paranoid?) possibility that what I have described above has not even been noticed or if so, brushed aside and shrugged off. Perhaps, but I do not believe it, for the heart beats regardless of inner/outer walls; and even if that be the case, I would still wish to get out this digital mop and bucket and express what I have just expressed. It is not, and cannot, be concealed from me, my inner self (the same little guy I stomped upon or ignored _{to my own detriment but not through any fault of 'mine'} most of my life :) who wishes this to be expressed and cleared up.

I am going to close it here. The delegation to SB will be removed with immediate effect (I know I had said Solstice, but it seems as if closure on this issue is what is required). 100% of the payout of this post will go to @steemitbloggers by way of (1) a gift / compensation (2) a gesture of sincerity (if this were not already clear :).

I take responsibility for the above-described misunderstanding which took place through the above-described dynamics. There is no 'justifying oneself' going on, just a rather detailed (necessary IMO) and serious, yet light-hearted 'clearing up'.

In conclusion:

I apologise unconditionally for any insult or offence that may have been taken (experienced as such), by anyone within the sphere of this engagement. Although it was not intended, the trigger as identified above is my responsibility. I am sorry for any negative feelings this may have stirred up. I wish in particular to say Sorry to You @jaynie, and I hereby do!

Thanks for reading
@barge

Edit: I had drafted this post in Steempeak, which also allows beneficiaries to be set so that the process of funds transfer is automatic. This was last night. For the life of me I could not publish the post although I tried repeatedly and with various failed attempts at troubleshooting the issue (the process remained hanging, the post unpublished). Today I returned from work and it was the same. I therefore had to publish this post via ol' granny steemit.com. I do not seem to be able to add beneficiaries after posting either, so this will have to be a manual affair. Annoying, but c'est la vie! Does anyone know of a way around this?