Everyone has random thoughts as they go about their day, sometimes those thoughts are bad ones, thoughts you shouldn't have. When I have those bad thoughts they are instantly supressed and I go about my day and they are forgotten.
Mostly...
Sometimes those bad thoughts are centred around a person, someone I see most days. Sometimes those bad thoughts just keep coming back each time I see them, yet I know they are wrong and not the sort of thoughts I should be having.
You see I am a good person, respectable even, yet sometimes a thought takes hold and begins to build up. It gains power and my ability to dismiss it causes a build up of pressure inside my head. Then it turns up in a dream, vivid and so real I wake up thinking it was real for a minute.
The fantasy is unleashed and in spite of myself I replay it in my mind as I go about my day, reliving and expanding it as I do. I know my thoughts are wrong, that I'm thinking of doing something bad but I dismiss it as just a daydream, something I wouldn't ever really do. My little fantasy is just that, a guilty little pleasure in my head as I go around doing the boring stuff of my life. In a couple of days it will be forgotten as something else replaces it, it's doing no harm.
But it didn't go away, it grew and it became all I dreamed about, it took on a life of its own smothering out all other things in my mind. For months my fantasy has lingered and grown, I just need to close my eyes and I can see it in every detail. It made plans for how I could do it and I found myself testing these plans to see if they would work. The fantasy was compelling me down a dark road, one I knew was wrong but I couldn't stop myself. I told myself I was just refining my fantasy to make it more real, I would never go through with it.
I just wanted to make it more real in my head. I just wanted to make my fantasy perfect, yet how could I if I didn't go through with all of it?
I didn't class the person I'd built my fantasy about as real anymore, they became just part of my dream so I felt no guilt when I did finally live out my fantasy in the real world.
And then my fanasy was gone, I wasn't sad because it wasn't the first time. Soon another wrong thought would take hold and I'd build myself a whole new fantasy around someone else. You see I'm not a bad person, I just sometimes have bad thoughts.
Thanks for reading, woke up today with this story in my head so wrote it here before it faded...
or took hold.