I could feel it in my bones. Like a deep dive into the ocean, the pressure of the situation engulfed me. My hands and feet were stiff, as if every cell in my body was flexing. I closed my eyes for a minute. I tried to take a deep breath but I found it suffocating.
Am I really doing this? I felt like a volcano on the edge of eruption. Instead of magma, its my blood. Instead of ash and earth, its my cells and thoughts.
I looked down and thought about everything that brought me to this moment. All my failures, all my setbacks, my frustrations and my apathy. I thought about all the should haves, all the regrets, all the awfulizings. Why wasn't I perfect? Why was I such a let down? What is wrong with me? What happened?
Will this really solve my problems?
In between these thoughts I did have glimmers of the good times. Friends, loves, family. The stuff that is supposed to matter, but in this moment, right now, as I inched up to the edge, they were simply past imaginings of a life I didn't want anymore. I cannot go back to my old life.
I could feel my whole body suspended in this strain, my body a beast wondering about my decisions. If it could speak it would only scream. I knew I ultimately wanted this. I felt proud in a sense, for the first time in my life. My breaths became shallower and shallower, the stress of the situation hitting its peak. Like the moment before a star explodes into a supernova.
I opened my eyes and...
I jumped.
As I fell at the speed of gravity you would think I would be completely terrified, but the weirdest thing happened. All my tension melted away. I felt a comforting peace of mind and a sense of tranquility I have never experienced in my life. As I fell like a stone, I felt like a feather. All my worries were finally gone.
I guess when you make peace with death, all the neuroticisms of modern life don't really stack up. The straining belief systems were all gone. All I could feel was the air on my face, my heart in my throat and a liberation in my soul.
I did it. I really did this.
There was only one thing left to do...
I pulled the cord of my parachute and I gently glided down into my new life.