A few days ago, someone said to me that "you are lucky; I should try to consider myself lucky for being alive and getting the opportunity to start a new life." I don't know what to say, probably I am lucky, probably not. I try to think about my future with positivity but I often ended up doubting myself. Probably, now I am not confident enough, after all, I lost everything, though a polish lady told me, you are young still and your whole life is in front of you.
From where to start I don't know, what to do I don't know. Every day I learn about myself, I hardly recognize myself now. I behave strangely, I suddenly laugh and I unexpectedly cry. I have become so unpredictable. I stayed in the warzone for 9 days, I have traveled a lot to make it to the border and the journey hasn't stopped yet. I have met a lot of people on this journey. I have experienced the connection with strangers and have seen kind, beautiful soul human beings. People really helped me a lot that's why still I am alive and writing stories.
My Ukraine life was beautiful and now I realize that I should have appreciated my life more back then. Comparing how hard life can be, I feel my Ukraine life was way better. My past is full of nightmares but that doesn't mean I don't have beautiful memories. I guess I have lived my best life in Ukraine. Am I going to close my Ukraine life chapter? No, absolutely not.
Today I slept, the whole day I slept. After 1 month and 15 days, I slept like a baby, and still, I am sleepy. I am exhausted and tired, I can't fight anymore with myself anymore. I have done enough and I feel like I should quit, no more. I was also thinking to go back to Bangladesh, I have talked about it with my well-wishers as well but it is not a very wise decision. What I am gonna do there? How I am gonna adjust thereafter for 6-7 years of living in abroad? It's my homeland I know but it's difficult and not a great choice of going back there. My head explodes whenever I think about the future because I am scared of making plans. I am not confident.
I even wanted to write my story step by step like episodes but I already lost track of writing war stories. I do remember those days and nights, I recall how I have fleed without knowing my destiny. I don't give myself any credit, instead, I feel guilty and worthless. Sometimes I ask myself why I had chosen Ukraine to live in, my dad every day says, "you should have listened to me and applied for Canada instead of Ukraine". I stay silent, I don't have any answers and I really don't wanna argue with him. Maybe he knows best for me but I don't know what is or was best for me. I wanted to live so I have lived.
This photo was taken during the Halloween season, the last year 2021. The location was Sharovka (Swarovski) Castle, in Kharkiv, Ukraine. The palace was located 50-60 km away from the city, probably more because it took 1 hour and 30 minutes to reach there. I don't know what is the condition of this location now, but I guess this spot was in the countryside so probably still hasn't destroyed. I cry whenever I see these photos, I have been to many places and most of the locations had been destroyed especially the city part.
I wish I could have worn this mask always to hide me, I can't blend with people now.
I have been arguing with my dad and with my family a lot. I don't know why I do that knowing that they wish good things for me, probably I don't like the way they approach the facts.
I don't have any settled life, probably that's why I don't have a proper mindset now.
You can follow my stories here:
War Story - Was it hell? - Kharkiv, Ukraine
From " Kharkiv, Ukraine " to " Warsaw, Poland " - War Story
From " Kharkiv, Ukraine " to " Warsaw, Poland " - War Story | Part -2 - Lviv
War Story - Present and Past but no Future
War Story - Walked on the street of Warsaw like a Refugee
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Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...