Slipping off the mask
Its spring, 2013, and my friend (we'll call him "Jay," not his real name) thrusts the Windows Phone at me saying Take a look at this. I watch in horror as the petite brunette threatens to cut herself in the video she sent him and then does so. Jay is proud of this. I ask him did you call the police? Yes, he says and even shows me the logs on his phone where he contacted the authorities in Montgomery County, PA. It turns out this was the 2nd girl that had done something like this over him. I didn't know it at the time, but this would turn out to be an up-close and personal look at the world of a Man with no empathy or remorse.
Charming, cunning and dangerous
In 2013, I knew almost nothing about narcissists. I thought they were like the wild-eyed serial killers we see so often in the media. I had no idea they were cunning, charming individuals, with almost no remorse. After discussing him with someone with more knowledge, she suggested I look into this world of seemingly sweet, yet deadly people. It turns out that in a normal brain, we have a conscience that tells us It's wrong when we're about to do bad things. Sort of like a little Governor saying: Come on now, you know that's wrong! Psychopaths seem to lack that to varying levels.
Studies have shown that approximately 1% of the general population share this disorder, and 20% of prisoners. In a nation like America, that means anywhere from 3 to 9 million are walking around as human time-bombs waiting to go off. After looking into this world and talking to even more people, I wondered if Jay might be one of them.
In 2013, Jay was 26 years old and worked on a garbage truck. He showed me his Facebook friends list and I noticed many of the girls were rather large. Ever watch that episode of Seinfeld about the Ugly Baby? That’s the reaction his buddies had when looking at pics of those girls. I asked if he was into BBW (Big Beautiful Women), and he said no, he only chose girls that were desperate. You see, he looked for partners with self-image problems. Many of them were either very heavy, had a huge nose, pimples or anything else he could take advantage of.
Seeking out nursing students
A surprising number of women were nurses or nursing students. He wanted their money, and he got it. Each of them had something he desired. Money, a car, house or inheritance. When I met him, he was dating two girls at the same time and chatting up half a dozen more online...
At the time, he had no car and got around on a bike, so if you were in the nursing field and had a ride, it was open season on you. The next girl we meet is a sweet Latina from Chester County. She weighed upwards of 300 lbs. and was dying to offer herself to Jay. He used her for money and rides. He would show his friends the texts of her begging for him, it was heartbreaking. I used what influence I had to get him to stop. We sat down and had a long talk. I wanted to know what was up with him.
See, beautiful self-confident women wouldn't give Jay the time of day. He told me that when he would send "special" pics of himself to them, they would make fun of the diminutive size of his manhood. This (along with his disorder) caused a seething hatred in him which he took out on the others. Most "relationships" lasted 90 days. The first 30 being the "love-bombing" phase.
"Love Bombing"
Enter the Love Bombing phase. With Jay, it started out like this. First, he would scour your online profiles, learning your likes and dislikes. Favorite movies, colors, food etc. Nursing student? Check. Heavy, pimples, big nose? Check. Then he moves in for the kill... Now imagine you're a heavyset girl with a heart of gold, but you can't get a date due to your weight. Out of the blue comes a seemingly handsome, slim guy looking for love. Your favorite movie is The Princess Bride, so is his. Your favorite color is green and you love Cajun food, so does he! The two of you talk for hours on the phone, he seems to know you already and is so compatible.
I saw the other side.
The first month
Jay had a little black book of one-liners he used to reel girls in. He has no impulse control at all. Ladies, I have news for you. No straight guy loves romantic comedies. Jay hated them - actually preferring action flicks - but would watch them as part of his "homework" on the lady. He would call her each morning with a love message. What she didn't realize was that same text was copied and pasted to numerous women at the same time...
During that first month, he can't get enough of you. Movies, bars, eating out and hours chatting on the phone. Towards the end of that 30 days of love-bombing, he even suggests taking you to meet his parents. Things are looking serious. He might be "The One."
The second month
Things are still going great, you've met his parents and are talking about moving in together. But wait, this fairytale can't be all bubblegum and roses? Oops! He took you to dinner, but left his wallet at home - no problem - you're happy to pay. After all, you're getting married, right? Jay asks to drive your car. He has one now, but it's "in the shop" and he starts driving it everywhere, with you paying for the gas. Your phone is borrowed, along with money and never paid back. Jay is now in the "using" phase of the relationship. He knows he's going to dump you, but wants to wring out anything he can until he does.
He's getting tired of you...
The third month
Towards the end of month 2 and the beginning of month 3, the first arguments start over seemingly petty things. He's finished with the girl, but remember what I said about his hatred of women earlier? He doesn't just want to break up with her, he wants to leave mental scars that will last a lifetime.
Jay explained it to me like this:
When I leave, I want to put the blame all on them.
I don't want to just break up with her, I want to destroy her!
A good example is, he'll show up unannounced at her place or job, (when he knows she can't see him) then drives off angry when she doesn't immediately come out. He leaves a screaming, profanity-filled message saying she doesn't love him anymore. These are repeated, leaving the poor girl an emotional wreck.
When I end a relationship up with a girl, I want her to remember it.
Jay would give her impossible choices so that no matter what she did, it was always wrong. He'd run out the gas in her car, then scream at her about it. She goes to fill it up, then he blames her for not paying for dinner, see what I mean?
If you need help call 1-800-273-8255 (English) 1-888-628-9454 (Spanish) or 1-800-799-4889 (For deaf and hard of hearing)
A day to remember
The actual day he dumps her is well-planned. Jay will choose a memorable date like Christmas, Valentine’s Day or her birthday. He even ended a relationship on the anniversary of the day the girl’s Mother died. This was all done to cause maximum damage and to ensure he is not forgotten.
I don't normally get involved with couples having problems, but I tried numerous times to warn these women. I used his phone to tell the Latina that he was using her. She accused me of trying to destroy her happiness, and would not be moved. I also tried to warn some of the girls and asked them to check out the others he'd used, but I found out there is no reasoning with someone who is desperate and willing to believe a lie for love.
I spent hours in conversation with Jay trying to get him to stop hurting people. Like most psychopaths, he has no conscience or remorse. The sense is that the problem is genetic and runs in the family. He has destroyed every relationship he's been in. He would not seek help even after admitting he had a problem, or take The Psychopath Challenge, to get a glimpse of his inner self. I spread the word among the nursing students at our local colleges and gave them just enough information to recognize him without exposing his real name. We haven't spoken recently, yet he can still be seen driving around town, always on someone else's dime.
My message to the sweet, lovely ladies out there looking for romance is this: Please check out the background of any guy you meet online. A psychopath cannot change. The best thing you can do, is leave. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. There are very few real Prince Charming’s in the world, so protect your heart and only offer it to someone who truly loves YOU.
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Wishing peace, love, and happiness to you all!
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