Hunting fukinoto in Tainai, Japan.
Two Episodes, one day.
- Waking up without momma.
My wife had to go to a part time gig early today, so by the time my son woke up, she was gone. He still "breastfeeds" every morning for comfort, so upon waking this morning, he was pretty shaken to see she was gone. He broke down.
He cried and cried and said "pai pai" (basically the Japanese kid's word for "boobies"). He was inconsolable. I held him and he hugged me, his hot tears falling on my bare shoulders and chest. Then he would push me away and lay on his back kicking and punching the blankets in a semi-slow, half-despondent, half-grumpy rhythm.
Nothing I said worked.
Mommy will be back soon. She didn't leave you without telling. She woke you up and you had pai pai, but you just don't remember.
(crying)
Mommy is just at work. She loves you so much. It's the same as when she goes to the store down the street! No different!
(crying)
Finally, I shared myself.
You know, when daddy was small, I used to get really lonely for my mommy too, when she was gone, and I would cry and cry.
(crying stops. eye contact.)
I know you miss mommy, but we both love you so much, and she is coming right back. Why don't we play? What do you want to play?
He then answered "Tomica Sound Town," stood up and began setting up the cars and play town. Then he started smiling and bouncing around.
- Taking "no" as an answer.
In the interest of getting out of the house, after we played cars and messed around on the Nintendo 3DS, we hopped in the car to go hunt fukinoto (butterbur) in the mountains just northeast of us. We stopped at a 7/11 on the way to get some lunch.
Daddy, I want these candies!
Not now, buddy. We need to eat lunch first.
NO!
We can't get the candies now. We'll get them on the way back.
NO!
I want you to be healthy, so we need to eat healthy food.
NO!
(runs to other side of store with candies in hand and hides. I pick him up and carry him back)
Can you tell me why you are saying no? I really want to understand.
No.
I understand "no," but what do you mean? Can you tell me how you feel? Why you keep saying no?
(takes a moment to think, then lowers himself from my arms and puts candy back on shelf).
Okay, buddy, let's go get our lunch.
We ended up getting and sharing the candies after fukinoto-hunting on the way back home.
Takeaway.
So what did it? What defused and brought peace into both of these situations? Well, I think it was empathy and providing space for my son to be understood, and to have a real voice.
Oftentimes kids won't even utilize that space. They, exactly like adults, just want to know it is there. Respect. They want to feel heard, valued and respected as individuals with individual wills, wants, desires, thoughts, feelings, and wishes. To know they matter.
I was recently told in a Facebook conversation that my son is probably a spoiled brat because I don't spank him. I was also told that he must be "special" and easy to parent, because most kids would go wild under my "permissive" style. I had to laugh.
Raising a child peacefully, in an open and empathic environment of communication takes 10,000 times more effort and energy than striking a child to bring about some Pavlovian result.
Love is always the 🔑, and it always will be.
Thank you for reading. If you missed the last Unschooling Blog Post, you can find it here.
~KafkA
Graham Smith is a Voluntaryist activist, creator, and peaceful parent residing in Niigata City, Japan. Graham runs the "Voluntary Japan" online initiative with a presence here on Steem, as well as Facebook and Twitter. (Hit me up so I can stop talking about myself in the third person!)
