I battle every day with my subconscious, my mind and my heart. I want so MUCH for all of them to agree with one another, but the reality is that they seldom do. It is like a constant battle of “state”.
I can recall many fragments which made one whole. - jaynie
I can recall as a young girl, how much I loved ballet – but eventually, the pressure that was being put on me because I was good – put me off and so, I started to bunk lessons. At the age of 8 or 9 I would muck about after school and then conveniently walk myself to my ballet hall to be collected “after ballet” by my dad – who was essentially ALWAYS late and I was pretty much always the only kid left floating around the parking lot… I suppose as I look back at it now, it was fair substitution for me wasting his money on lessons I was no longer attending lol…. Anyhow, my point being that something that was once a passion of mine became a chore and so I started to disregard it. I hated being shouted at rather than encouraged. When I started that, I truly loved it and I didn’t have a single doubt that I wasn’t good! Had I simply been encouraged instead of having DEMANDS and pressure thrown in my direction then perhaps I would STILL be doing ballet to this day… heaven knows, I still prance around my house like a ballerina every single day!!!!!
I can recall attending church with my gran (my fathers mother) and honestly, I always preferred attending the “adult” services. I HATED Sunday School! The kids were obnoxious, mean and always made me feel unworthy – whereas the adult services somehow seemed like they had a point of some kind in my mind. I never read my bible as a kid (oops) and I was repeatedly ridiculed for not knowing the answers to questions in Sunday school… and you know, all I could think at the time was “this isn’t school, I don’t have to know this sh!t” hahahaha. My point? Those seemingly inconsequential voices of other children who said things to me like “well you should read your bible more often” are the SOLE reason I will no longer even WALK into a church. Even at THAT age, the unentitled judgement passed sowed its long term seed… and so, bar a few instances (which have resulted much the same) I have never again attended a church unless it was purely a praise and worship session which is nothing more than singing. I wonder how things may have differed if I had not been belittled to such an extent…
I can recall wanting to be a musician, or singer…. Or both! I started piano lessons as a kid and I loved it. I was never very good at reading music… yes, I could do it – but it was boring to me and so my knowledge for it never really amounted to anything much. However, I had several friends who were in higher grades to me who played piano and I could listen to what they played and then play it. I didn’t need any sheets of paper filled with notes… I only needed my ears and I could play whatever they could – but believe it or not, this too – got me into trouble! I was scolded for that gift. Punished and made to do more “written” musical homework. WTF?!!!!! My dad bought a piano for me but oddly in my mind as a young girl, he placed it not in our home but rather at his new girlfriends home around the corner. Every afternoon I would have to walk around the block to go and practice my piano tunes on my piano, in someone elses house. Needless to say, that relationship did not last forever and “said” piano eventually was mine again – in my own space and it moved with me everywhere from there. I would sit for HOURS after college playing on it and making up tunes – it was my greatest love and passion… and the healthiest escape I have ever had.
Sadly I had to say goodbye to my piano when I eventually bought my first property at the age of 21. My dad insisted that I sell it to pay the transfer fees which back then were around the 7-8k mark if I am not mistaken. Yes, I was ecstatic to own my own place at that age, but I have been sadder for a lot longer to have lost a passion at my disposal that “chances are” – I may never have again. Goodness, it has been so long since I REALLY sat in front of a piano that I honestly cannot remember ANYTHING I used to play… and no, chop sticks doesn’t count.
I am rambling…
There are so many internal conflicts I deal with. Some laughable and some – not so much! But when and how do I heal? Yes, I am a far cry from where I was when I was passing out in the gutters of Muizenberg and begging for money at Cape Town station so we could buy more drugs – but I am hurt and I know this – so I am using the only weapon I have and know is constructive for me moving forward and that… is my keyboard – and your ears and eyes.
I often sit and contemplate “all this stuff” that is “my life” and for the most part I think I have succeeded in getting through the worst of it and I take great heed of all the tough times, because they play a pivotal role in who I am today! And whilst I will say that “this person” which I have become is GOOD – she is definitely broken. It is the acceptance of those broken yet still beautiful wings that counts though.
I wrote a post a long time back called DRUNK TEXTING which was an illustration of what I have had to deal with since my husband of 8 years walked out on me. The other night, again - I got a text from my ex asking if we “could be lovers”. This is the same man that wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with me 8 years ago - The same man that walked out on our marriage and stated categorically that he is “happy without me”. The same man that now has his third wife and fourth child. Honestly, I never responded to that text and did notice that after not getting any response from me, the “request” was then reverted to an emoti flower…. But as my kneejerk dominates, I screenshot that long before he changed it. Why? I don’t know…. Maybe so that I can go back and convince the person he BROKE into a thousand pieces that she wasn’t all that bad…
Do YOU ever think about all the things you did to me? DO YOU? Do you remember the day you punched me in the face and then pretended that you were grabbing dog food and that it was all an accident? Do you remember giving me two black eyes and then DEMANDING that I come out of the bedroom to greet your fncking parents who sat there and did/said nothing? Do you remember the day you punched me and cracked my ribs and then walked out? I still called YOU after that, to take me to a hospital and you told me to “get fncked” so I drove myself to get Xrays. Do you remember when you stuck a fork in my side at your sisters house and told me to shut up and sit down or Ill pay for it. Do you remember when you lied to customers and complete strangers and told them that I abused our new born child? Do you remember any of this?
I can recall being passionate about marriage – but now, not so much… is that understandable?
I look back on all this and “these” passions that once held a flame so high… yet somehow seem to be nothing but burnt embers these days… and I cannot help but pose the question why more people aren’t patient, compassionate and embracing of one another and their roads travelled. I know I am – or at least I do TRY to be. I may not get it right every time or all the time, but I am acutely aware of these things.
All ANY of us wants in this life is to love and be loved. To be appreciated and embraced for the individuals that we are – because we ARE all individuals and we ARE all BEAUTIFUL and deserving of love!
Ok, ok…. ramble done!
……
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
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