Day 68: 5 Minute Freewrite: Tuesday - Prompt: core values

I don't know what my core values are off hand. Part of me wants to end the post right here. I haven't been feeling very spunky lately. I have been keeping myself distracted by playing an online game, Gemcraft. I haven't been reading as much as I like to. I feel like my rhythm got messed up about a year back. I was asked to simply talk to people. I don't fucking know how to get past, "Hello, how are you?" "Fine." "Great. bye." My conversations don't go much beyond that when I'm speaking with most people. (You are one of the lucky [unlucky] few if I do open up.) Besides, putting in the work getting to know people takes a LOT of energy.

If you have something I want, it is easy to talk to you then. If you don't, I don't have a clue as to what I am doing.- I know. I'm an asshole. - I hate it! Unless I'm drunk... Then it is so incredible easy to open up to everyone. If fact, some prefer me this way over being sober. Problem is, I don't want to be drunk all of the time.

I don't want to get to close to people any longer. They all leave or abandon me. Or, I find people who are from my nightmarish childhood.

I don't think people like me very much when I open my mouth to speak. They're fine until I do. I think I make most people highly uncomfortable. I don't know how to change this. I've been told the only way to fix some of the issues I am facing is to get to know people, but this is extremely hard. Even thinking about going out to places to meet people sends me into thoughts of suicidal depression. I don't want to go through all that shit again. I like sitting by myself reading a book. The book won't strike me, talk back to me in a way that makes me feel incredibly stupid, or talk down to me.

I love being around animals more than humans. Animals will let you straight up what they are thinking. Humans like to play to many manipulation games. I'm sick and tired of it. Even I do it. I'm sick and tired of me.

pixabay

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My Completed Freewriting prompts:

1. Dude
2. Bittersweet
3. Basket
4. Housecoat
5. Nail
6. Faster Than Light
7. Cane (Bonus: Red Wine)
8. A Ridiculous Amount of Fun
9. Mosquito
10. Bamboo
11. Hook
12. Sweater
13. The Entryway
14. Trolley
15. Flea
16. Awakening
17. Her Homemade Jams
18. Party
19. Important
20. Parasol
21. Back Pain
22. Late
23. Medium
24. Mother
25. Banana
26. Paper
27. Milk
28. Tree
29. Swing
30. Bored Stiff
31. 5
32. Home Alone and Doctor’s Office
33. Monkey’s Wedding
34. Wire
35. Appetite
36. Travel
37. A Kiss
38. Mice
39. Detective
40. Homeless
41. Eyebrows
42. 40 Percent Off
43. One Year
44. Frosting a Cake
45. Bones
46. Clouds
47. Scratch
48. Wet
49. Cherry
50. Depression
51. Camping
52. Caterpillar
53. Quadrillion
54. Describe the Room You Are In
55. Dew
56. Miami
57. Skinny
58. Lizard Cave
59. Mold
60. Herbs
61. Phone
62. Wood
63. Prototype
64. Discord
65. A Jumble of Words
66. Suffers in Silence
67. Bath

Weekend Free Write:

1. The Picture
2. The Crooked Umbrella
3. The Chair That I’m Strapped To
4. The Stall - Part 1
5. The Stall - Part 2
6. A Common Ending
7. The Stall – Part 9
8. Withdrawal
9. Richard’s Surprise
10. The Trap